drowning | ruel van dijk

twelve

RUEL

"come on... come on... ugh."

i lose again in another video game.

frustrated, i toss the controller onto my bedroom floor. it makes two clunks and then falls still. i just stare at it, thinking that maybe it will do something.

but i know it won't do anything. all it'll do is lie there.

like me.

i do nothing.

i thought that giving myself a break from tour would allow me to relax. i thought that taking time off would alleviate my anxiety.

but all that this break has done is heighten those feelings. maybe it's because i have more alone time. or more time to do nothing. or maybe it's even that i just have more time to think.

but deep down, i know.

i know that it's because of kate.

these feelings i have— heightened nerves, thoughts, emotions— are because of kate.

i can't stop thinking about her.

every time i head to the beach i hope that kate is there too.

every time my phone rings i hope it's a message from kate.

every time i...

ding!

my heart stops and beats again faster than before.

all i can think is: it could be kate. it could be kate. it could be...

i rush over to grab my phone positioned next to me on my bed, cautiously turning it on and checking my notifications.

it's kate.

New iMessage:

kate ~ can we talk? i need to clear my head.

i'm practically breathing as though i've ran a mile.

i type out a response as quickly as possible, but i pause right before i hit send.

shouldn't kate be in class right now? i check the time and notice that it's not even ten o'clock yet.

i even texted her this morning; she told me she was bored and that her class seemed chill, so something must have happened.

me ~ yeah, what's up?

i flop over my bed, stomach down, and wait for kate to respond. barely a minute later i get another message.

kate ~ things went to shit during sociology

me ~ i hope things get better. how are you now?

kate ~ im in my study hall class, not feeling to good :(

once i look up from my phone, i realize i'm no longer lying on my bed, but standing up and pacing the floor.

i must have gotten up without realizing it. crazy.

crazy...

all of a sudden a crazy idea pops into my head.

me ~ you know how i told you earlier that i could probably easily sneak into your school? well... what if instead you sneaked out. then we can talk in person.

kate ~ idk. sneak out? on the first day? i don't even know how i would be able get out

me ~ can't you leave your school to go out for lunch?

kate ~ yeah...

me ~ and you have lunch right after study hall, right?

kate ~ correct, but where is this going?

me ~ so tell your teacher you're going out for an early lunch during study hall, and leave the school. you can come back right before lunch ends.

i don't get a reply back for a few minutes, so i can tell that she's really thinking it over.

then i start second guessing myself... maybe it was a stupid idea... sneaking out isn't easy.

just as in about to tell her she doesn't have to do it, kate responds.

kate ~ ok i'll do it.

me ~ good. i'll meet you at the beach.

immediately after i hear that kate agrees with my plan, i begin packing a bag to bring to the beach: small blanket, water bottle, chocolate bar.

can't forget the chocolate bar.

rushing down the stairs, i quickly tell my mom i'm heading down to the beach for an hour.

"you seem to always go to the beach nowadays, ruel," she says with suspicion underneath her voice.

i give her a causal eye roll so that she doesn't suspect anything, and head out the back door.

grabbing my bike— that i've been using a lot lately— i cycle down the road and to the beach.

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:) hope your doing well! make sure to drink water sometime soon, maybe take a break from your phone and do something productive or something you like. i love you!