drowning | ruel van dijk

sixteen

RUEL

hopeful. proud. empowered; but also lonely. worried. and unsure.

some feelings are too complex to describe.

that's when i turn to music. music encompasses it all. it takes over my emotions and forms lyrics, rhythms, and pictures.

usually brand new bits and pieces of music come to me while my emotions are indescribable.

but not this time. this time there's no need to come up with a new song since i already have the right one.

it only takes one look at kate's face to see her confident, i-don't-care-anymore attitude.

you can tell me that i'm crazy

but i won't stop and this won't make me

don't tell me.

—————

KATE

i slowly lift my eyes up at ruel, and i see how unsure he is of how to react. the way he presses his lips together and how his eyebrows furrow give it away.

i don't blame him for not saying anything immediately; i actually don't mind at all. i'm not looking for a dramatic reaction.

i'm just looking for someone who will be there for me, and be willing to hear my story.

in hopes to lighten the mood a bit, i reassure ruel that everything is better now. "it's ok though, because this is the first time in awhile that i've actually felt genuinely happy.

"i may have had to cut people out of my life along the way, but i wouldn't be who i am now if i hadn't. besides, everything that's ever happened to me in the past has led me to a really-amazing-certain-someone", i playfully nudge ruel. "aka, you".

he smiles lightly, looking in my eyes.

"i want to show you a song", he says. "i'm not sure if you've listened it yet, but a while back i sent you a few songs and i want to play one of them now."

oh right... i had multiple songs saved on my phone over the summer that i had completely forgotten about.

words rush out of his mouth faster than normal. "i'll send you the audio i have from a cool artist. he hasn't released any of his music officially yet, but i have the raw soundtrack since he's a friend of mine. if you're into r&b and pop, then i think you'll really like his songs."

"here, i'll play it," ruel states while grabbing his phone and pulling up a spotify playlist.

i try to take a peek at the playlist, but ruel angles his phone away from me.

"no peeking!" he says playfully. "it's a surprise".

after another moment of fumbling with the volume, ruel tells me to close my eyes and just listen to the music...

the songs starts off slow, and for some reason i'm nervous for the artist to begin singing the lyrics. i hear ruel shuffle around next to me.

save your breath, my brother, it's not going in

i'm not your disciple, i choose how i sin

i've got a distant memory of previous lives

so don't say i'm not ready, back off with those knives

i feel my cheeks flush, as a smile draws across my face.

i'm actually really liking the song. it sounds like a young boy singing... but how could someone that young create something as impactful as this?

you don't know me like you used to

you can leave, but i refuse to

oh damn, this boy can sing... and ruel really has some good music taste to find someone as talented as the artist i'm listening to now.

you can tell me that i'm crazy

but i won't stop and this won't make me

without thinking, i open my eyes and pause the music from ruel's phone.

"hey! you didn't even finish listening to it! i worked really hard on that— i mean, i've worked hard to find a good song for you," ruel sarcastic states after i stop the song.

"no, i love the song!" i say as ruel lets out an exaggerated sigh of relief. "i just want to know who the singer is. i'm guessing it's a young boy..."

"well, he's not really that young anymore..." ruel replies, running a hand through his hair; something i've noticed he does when he's hesitant.

"he's actually your age, and i think you've meet him before," ruel continues.

i've met him before? really? i think i would've remembered hearing such a good voice like that.

wait.

could it be...

as if he could see into my thoughts, ruel nervously chuckles before saying, "you're actually looking at him".

holy shit.

"holy shit! that was you singing! oh my god i didn't know you could sing that well! how come you hadn't told me sooner?" i question him, sitting up on the beach blanket now.

ruel copies my motion and sits upright next to me, our shoulders almost touching. "it just wasn't the right time, i guess," he tells me, still a little nervous.

i lean against his shoulder and give him a quick side-huge to let him know i appreciate him for telling me his little secret. however in fear of making him uncomfortable, i quickly bring my arm back to my side.

"so does mr. harry styles over here have any other songs?" i ask, already missing the feeling of rules touch.

"i wouldn't say i'm harry styles, but yes, there are like 13 other songs".

13 more songs? this boy is something else... but i'm glad i've gotten to spend so much time with him, even skipping school is worth this; that is being with ruel.

now that i think of it, it's been long overdue for me to confess something too.

i don't want ruel and i to be 'just friends'.

——————————

hello again! the story isn't over yet!! i've already written 4 more chapters (i'm ahead of the game this week) and with each one i write i feel more and more proud of my work.

can you tell if my writing has improved since the beginning? ah i think so. maybe that's a good thing though. i just had to get into the style of my writing :)