A GENTLEWOMAN'S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MURDER

Act II, Scene 3

Optimistic and mildly confused, you step into the packed and LED-lined courtroom. You are shocked to find a completely full court trial about to proceed. Everyone from Group Therapy is there. It's a diner. Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone walks in. The population of the courtroom erupts into applause.

"What an icon!" Gavroche yells from the crowd.

"Before we proceed, we would like to thank the cast and company of the recently closed Waitress for letting us use their set as a courtroom," Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone says.

You are glad Waitress closed. You are a much better waitress.

"All rise for The Right Honorable, The Plant," says Tony Award Winner Patti LuPone.

"My name is Audrey," retorts the plant, as it is wheeled into the makeshift courtroom. "You may be seated."

Hamilton bursts through the door. Backlit. It's like Anatole from the Great Comet only louder and more American.

"Your Honorable Plant, I call to the stand... myself!"

No one responds.

Aaron Burr flies in (a/n with wires, like they do on Broadway), and turns to look at you expectantly.

"What is happening—" you start to say.

"Talk less, smile more: I'm your lawyer."

You hate him immediately.

He shoots Hamilton.

You love him immediately. Like, as a friend.

"What can I say except, you're welcome," says Aaron.

"You're all going to jail," the plant whispers.

Patti LuPone wins another Tony Award, just for being there.

*One dance break later*

"I hate being in jail," you say.

"Girl same," says Gavroche. "Think jail is rough? Try having no parents."

The lights dim. A jazzy tune plays. "Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Elle Woods."

The wall explodes in a flash of pink confetti. Glamor and rubble covers the floor.

"Who's your mamma, now? It's me. I've got the adoption papers," says a figure holding adoption papers. A spotlight shines on the figure. It's Elle Woods.

You love her immediately.

Oh shit, YOU THINK YOU'RE GAY (author's note: you are a woman).

"I'm what you want, the lawyer for you. I'll get you out of this prison that is heterosexuality. And also literally," says Elle.

"I am gay and european," you tell her.

You make out. Super gay.

Hamilton's dead body lays on the floor beside you. (Like a Broadway dead. He's not actually dead. He's a Tony-Award Losing actor. But you are divorced now.)

Gavroche climbs the pile of rubble and waves a giant pink Lesbian pride flag. Gay rights.

"Gay rights," says a figure.

"'Tony' 'Award' 'Winner' 'Ben' 'Platt'?" you question.

"Think again," 'Ben' says, taking off his mask. It's another mask. "How could you love Elle after only one interaction, but not me?"

"Erik 'The Phantom of the Opera' Lloyd-Webber!" you exclaim.

"I gave you my music, please respond."

You don't respond.

"I recorded the whole thing," Erik says.

"A Bootleg?" Elle demands, italically.

"How did you do that?" Erik asks.

"I outrank you." Elle tells him.

Elle bends and snaps the bootleg out of his hands.

"This will make a great slime tutorial for our new son, Gavroche." she tells you.

The Phantom's mask falls off from Elle's sheer lesbian power.

It's Tony-Award Winner Patti LuPone.

"Be gay, do CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMES!" she belts, winning another Tony Award.

"I'm glad my gay and liberating misadventures are available for public consumption, and not reserved for a disaffected and wealthy elite class pushing heteronormativity and building their success off the exploitation of the working class, creating a new status quo baptized in the blood and sweat of the Proletariat," you say triumphantly.