After The Past || 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 ✞

(Eight) Belize 🇧🇿⛓

              ______*:.｡..🥀⛓🥴.:*･*:.｡______

Every year me and my family travel to Belize over winter break, but last year was horrible for me. Honestly it just made my sadness even worse and it  just was horrible.

But I remember this one time I went out and I walked around with my cousins that day. But I wrote some thoughts in my notes from what happened so I'll share that (it was right on New Years) (Also New Years Eve SUCKED. But I'll get mad if talk about it, so I won't)

Note #1| 1-1-20
So today is probably the worst day and it doesn't feel like New Years. And honestly I just feel depressed now cause I'm thinking about janessa again tbh, I really miss her rn.  I'm with my cousins and they're really fun to hang out with but they ALWAYS make me feel left out ahaha. All I can relay on rn is my music cause I have no internet 😕. At least I feel a little better. But today I heard people talking about me staying in my room all day. 
Random thought: I'm writing this much. I should honestly just write a fanfic about myself.. ha that made me laugh a little(omg 😂) . Honestly I just wanna laugh at what's happening. In a way ig it's funny that I'm in pain and feel alone. And even if I do come out the room I'll feel left out either way. And I feel invisible rn cause I'm behind everyone and no one is talking to me. Now I'm getting distracted at the way I'm typing so fast.😂
You know most of the time I've been here I've barely even smiled. And when I was walking a song started playing describing exactly how I felt as I just want to cry . Also another thing that I've realized over this break is that it has make me more depressed and not feel great about myself like I've been eating less and my anxiety has gotten worse. Ok back to the room. I just wanna stay in there and watch Netflix all day laying on the bottom buck chilling my the fan, making edits, listening to music, scrolling through Instagram, texting people. And yes I was taking pictures for people (my cousins) once again.  I feel like that's all they want me for at this point or just to be a clothing rack for them and yes my cousin just threw a jacket on me 😅. And yes I've realized I've wrote a lot and I like that just to show people that I do think about a lot all the time. And if someone saw this idc also sometimes I like when people feel bad for cause it kinda shows they care in a way ahaha. I'll come back and think more and update. Also I love talking to myself it kinda calms me down.
Ok I was just looking at my messages and got sad because, I made an edit for my cousin and she really didn't appreciate it. And I don't get appreciated much. Also my mom has never said i love you to me. And now every time I'm not in a good mood I look up at they sky.  I hate fireworks 💥 because people enjoy them so much, and I actually kinda hate seeing people happy. And I hate people asking me if I'm mad BECAUSE IT MAKES ME MAD LIKE CANT THEY SEE IM TRYING TO FOCUS ON SOMETHING THATS IS IRRELEVANT TO THEM GOD DAMNNNNNNNNN. 
😅 ok im on my period ignore me 😂 k ttyl.

A/N: Wow I really went through it 💀. I hope people understand more when they see this.