Grayscale

Chapter Fifteen

        The tall, archway of the gate loomed over me as I passed through, and not for the first time, I was struck by the beauty of this place as I strolled in. For the most part, everything was still pretty dead, but the trees were starting to get buds, and I could see color - I could see color! - beginning to return to the grass. Here and there, there was the occasional early-blooming flower, sure to be killed off by the next cold front. Then, every once in a while, there would be a vine climbing up the side of a mausoleum, trying its damnedest to discover color again way before its time. These would take even less of a temperature drop before they would have to start their struggle for green all over again.

        Ahead on the path, off to the left side, I saw someone in the distance on his knees praying in front of a grave. I had never seen Reed pray, or even get on his knees, but something in my gut told me that had to be him. That mess of hair atop his head, colored a light brown, the way I could begin to see his shoulders heaving with sobs as I got closer . . . it had to be him.

        Once I was about ten rows away, I was certain it was him. I could hear him drawing in shaky breaths, eyes closed, head bowed and hands clasped together, asking God, "Why? Why now? Why today? W-why me? What did I ever do to deserve all of this pain? Jesus Christ - I guess I shouldn't be taking his name in vain now, sorry - but, damn - I mean, not damn - wow. I'm bad at this. I'm sorry." He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, before returning them to their clasped position atop Madeline's grave. "I just want to know why being the best son I could be, the best older brother, the best student, why doing my best, why loving people with everything I had landed me in this position. You're taking everything I love away from me, and I don't understand what I did wrong." He didn't say 'amen,' but dropped his head into his hands, his sorrow overtaking him.

        I couldn't stand to just sit by and watch him anymore. The last half of his speech, I had spent a few rows away, leaning against a tree, trying to give him some privacy - but this was the kid I loved, completely having a breakdown on his soulmate's grave. He needed me.

        I strolled over to him, taking my time as I tried to think of something to say to him. "Hey, I'm sorry my soulmate interrupted our coffee date today. Let's just pretend that didn't happen," didn't really seem like an option at this point. The knot I had in my stomach warned me that I wasn't going to be able to just pick up our relationship where we left off like it was a dog-eared book. We would be skipping a few chapters today, going all the way to the end, those last few pages no one wanted to read. Whether I admitted it out loud or not, whether I really wanted to acknowledge it or not, this was the end of 'us.'

        I really hoped the sequel still had him in it, because in the span of two short months, Reed had become one of my closest friends, second only to Robin. I needed him in my life.

        By the time I reached his body, wracking with sobs, I still didn't know what to say, so I just awkwardly sat my hand on my shoulder. "Hey," I said, quietly, as he looked up at me.

        When we made eye contact, my heart broke. For the first time, I was seeing the color of his eyes - they were the same shade as the buds just barely forming on the trees, flecked with a little sunshine - but that realization just caused the knot in my stomach to twist a little tighter, and it was like the pages just started to fly past me, like a solid breeze had just whisked them away from me, and my fingertips weren't able to grasp them again until chapters later, until only a few pages before the book would fall closed again.

        In that moment, I had never felt so far away from him. I had never felt so different from him, so suddenly isolated. For the first time, I realized that our lives were about to go down two very separate paths. Ready or not, my soulmate was here, and I couldn't ignore that, no matter how hard I tried. And Reed's soulmate? She was at rest in the ground beneath us. He would never be able to escape her ghost - I still saw her in his eyes, even now, even after he'd professed his love to me earlier. She was always there. What we had wasn't real, not like that. It wasn't the kind of love that would haunt you months after burial. But what I could have with Gabriel, if I let my walls down, if I let him in? One day, one of us would be left looking like Reed always did, one of us would always be searching crowds for the others, as I still caught Reed doing every now and again, unable to accept that he would really never see her again. And that was why our lives were about to be so different. Madeline was already gone, and he would always be left pining after her, but Gabriel was here, and as much as I wanted to stay with Reed, as much as I wanted to make it work . . . I had to chase after Gabriel. I wanted a love that left me looking like Reed long after the headstone had his name etched into it. That kind of love was powerful - it could move mountains.