Grayscale

Chapter Twenty

        There are sometimes moments in life where the whole world goes silent. No one in the room dares to breathe. The sounds outside are lost to your ears, while the TV playing in the background fades to nothing. Even the air seems to cease to exist for just a moment. The world becomes a vacuum, totally devoid of sound.

        And then, it all comes rushing back at once, like you’re driving along in a car, and suddenly you hit a wall. The sound is the airbag.

        Whoosh.

        The TV seemed a million times louder, like everyone on the sit-com that was playing was screaming at me, at each other, at anything that could possibly hear them. The cars driving by outside could have been monster trucks, as loud as they became, and the air, though it was standing still, sounded like it was rushing past me, like wind howling on a stormy day. Every creak of the floorboards beneath me as I struggled to get near a wall to catch myself before I could pass out was amplified.

        Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. It was on loop in my head. It was the only word I could think, consuming my thoughts, constricting my throat. He couldn’t be . . . Reed would never, not after everything we had been through together. Things were looking up for him, other than our break-up. Things were going to be okay. He was going to be okay, and I was going to be okay, and even though we weren’t going to be okay together, that was supposed to be okay. We were going to stay friends. I wasn’t going to totally leave him behind. I would never.

        Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. This was my fault. He had killed himself because of me. Oh, Jesus, no.

        I slammed into the wall behind me and sank to the ground, lowering my head into my hands. Convulsing with sobs before I even touched the ground, a strangled cry escaped my lips. “What the fuck, Reed?”

        “Calypso, you have to understand –”

        My head snapped up at my mother. “Understand what?” I growled. “Don’t try to tell me I have to understand that he was going through a lot!” I launched myself up from the floor and across the room. “Don’t fucking tell me to understand that there was something not right in his head. I am the definition of not right in the head. I see shadows that want to kill me, Mom. The only reason Reed killed himself is because I met Gabriel today. I met my soulmate.” I took a deep breath, and as quick as the anger appeared, it left, replaced by an intense, suffocating sadness. “This is my fault.”

        My mom looked like she was about to pass out. “You . . . what? You met your soulmate? Calypso, why didn’t you tell me?”

        “I am not having this discussion with you right now. I just told you that I’m the reason my ex-boyfriend offed himself, and all you care about is my fucking soulmate?” My emotions, apparently, were a rollercoaster, the anger coming back for a second round. “Go fuck yourself.”

        I made my way to the door, opened it, and made a show of slamming it behind me before I took off into the night. Before my brain could even register it, my feet had me running in the direction of Reed’s house, like maybe if I got there quick enough, I could find out that he wasn’t really dead, that there was still some chance I could talk him off of the edge, let him know there was still something worth living for. It was irrational, and I knew it, but I had to see for myself that this boy was truly never going to shoot me a small, sad smile again, was never going to nervously run his hands through his hair, was never going to help me through a bad breakdown, was never going to make his soulmate’s dream come true and get the fountain repaired. I had to see for myself that his beautiful light had really gone out. I couldn’t believe it.