The Rose & Crown

Chapter Twenty-Two

The sound of chalk tapping along the surface of a blackboard resonated off the walls of the room as Clara climbed the metal steps towards the heart of the TARDIS. Coming around the console, she found the Doctor on the lower level. His back was turned to her as he continued to be immersed in his work. She slowly approached from behind and took a seat at the top of the stairs, observing intently as he appeared to be focused on some sort of Gallifreyan maths equation. She studied him quietly, allowing him the time he required during their temporary silence to distract himself from whatever was ailing his mind. After everything that had happened between them over the past few days, it could hardly be narrowed down to one alone. There was a lot to be accounted for, after all. Their current situation wasn't what one might consider normal by any standard. But then again, when it came to the Doctor, what was? Though human parents typically spent this quality time together adapting to the lifestyle changes brought on by the birth of a new child, the Time Lord and his companion were facing an entirely different set of challenges. Most notably, the race against time.

The Doctor seemed rather distant since their daughter was born, wandering about the ship in a constant state of depression and wild deliberation. Though he looked in on his family from time to time, there was an unmistakable glimpse of sadness hiding behind his eyes whenever she looked deep enough. He was both present and not at the same time. He hadn't held his daughter in his arms since the day he helped deliver her. Clara thought perhaps he was still trying to remain unattached so as not to allow his devastation to consume him at the thought of never finding a way to stop Missy from taking her. Or perhaps he knew if they were to succeed, it wouldn't even matter in the end. Though she had hoped he would desire a strong bond to form between them, he chose instead to deny himself the joys that came with fatherhood to concentrate his energy towards reaching the end. It pained her immensely to see him this way, watching as his affection and devotion disintegrated over time to be repurposed as a means of winning the battle against Missy. As she continued to observe him with unspoken apprehension, she couldn't help but wonder what sort of man he was forcing himself to become.

"How is she?" he finally asked, breaking the silence in the room. His attention remained focused on his work as he waited for her response.

"She's sleeping finally. Dreaming of something magical, I hope," she answered, trying to mask her concern over his apparent absent-mindedness and disconnection from her.

"And you?"

She sighed and thought for a moment about her answer. The sheer quantity of emotions thriving within her was so overwhelming she didn't know where to start. She had left her old life and everyone in it to remain by the Doctor's side. There wasn't a single person back on Earth who had any idea she was even gone. There were no baby showers or congratulations awaiting her return as she knew she'd never be returning, at least not in this reality. She felt so very alone and abandoned by the man she loved, even though he hadn't actually left her. She felt weighed down with uncertainty and bound by the capabilities she knew she must ensue as a new mother. But she was strong. She knew she could endure the pain of loneliness for as long as she had to if it meant they'd survive this together. What worried her more than all of that was the feeling of something evolving inside of her she didn't know how to explain in words alone, nor understood what it meant. "It's a bit surreal, I think. I'm slowly coming to understand what it takes to be a real mother. And yet, when I look at her, I sometimes can't believe she's really here. I can't help but think that only a few days ago, she was living and growing inside me. When I close my eyes, I swear I can still feel her moving around in there. But now that she's finally here, it's almost as if there's an emptiness inside of me. Like a void. I had become so used to her warmth, I didn't realise how much I'd miss it when it was gone." She lowered her head and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them tightly to her chest as she thought about how much she missed everything that came with his affection.