The Rose & Crown

Chapter Eighteen

Clara stared at the screen in her hand with mild concern, unsure of how worried she should be that the Doctor had not answered her call. It wasn't the first time he had left her on the ship and gone exploring on his own. In fact, she had been left behind to babysit the TARDIS for an entire week once before. By the time he finally returned home, he discovered seven identical time copies of Clara, one for each night, running about the ship all at once. Though the TARDIS seemed to think the practical joke was rather hilarious, all eight of his companions were not amused.

Before she had moved in, their adventures together had been mostly routine. Wednesday had become the most looked forward to part of the week, so long as he hadn't overshot it by a day - or several. The days in which she wasn't with him usually meant he was off running about the universe with his own personal agenda for getting into trouble. Yet, the moment she walked through those blue doors on her day, she knew he would have saved someplace special just for her. She missed it. She missed the adventures. She missed the excitement that lit her up inside the moment he pulled that lever. The thrill that coursed through her veins as the ship clattered her signature thematic melody of time travel. But now, everything had changed. She had become the precious cargo he needed to protect. The artefact within the glass case you'd never open for fear of it breaking. Where she was once considered his obsession, the greatest mystery to be solved that had ever plagued his mind, she had become his possession. What she wouldn't give to feel needed again, to make a difference in someone else's life once more.

Before she had the chance to talk herself out of looking for him, the door burst open unexpectedly as he stormed his way through and headed towards the centre console. The look in his eyes as he passed right by her was that of fury and anger. He reached the console and immediately began inputting a new set of coordinates into the interface in frustrated silence.

"Doctor," she called, sensing the tension in the air being electrified by his despondence. He ignored the concern in her voice, his back turned to her as his attention remained focused on his work. She approached his side and tried to read his expression carefully. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"You want to know what's wrong?" He nearly laughed, refusing to look her in the eyes as he manually calibrated the small knobs in front of him. "I'm completely useless is what's wrong!" he continued as the intensity in his voice filled the vacant space all around them. "All those years spent saving others, shedding blood for them, sacrificing myself over and over again. And what have I got in return? Absolutely nothing! I am... nothing." His angered demeanour suddenly shifted to sadness as he thought about the reality of his worth. When faced with the most desperate of situations, he had always come out on top. Even if the means of winning hadn't been present until the very last possible second. And now, as he faced the biggest challenge to have ever taken hold of him, it had become apparent he couldn't even trade himself away to save Clara and his daughter from their fate. "All that I am, everything I've ever accomplished, is meaningless. My life holds no value."

Clara's face deepened with concern at his words. As much as he was trying to hide it, she could see the desperation in his eyes. He rarely ever spoke in such a disheartening manner. But when he did, it meant he had relinquished all hope of winning. "Doctor, why are you talking like that?"

"Because it's true," he answered sorrowfully.

"No, I know that face. Something has happened."

"I should have killed her when I had the chance." He circled to the other side of the console and continued to calculate their next destination.

"Who? Killed who, Doctor?" She followed after. Though she knew he was trying to avoid the conversation, she'd have to be blind to assume something hadn't gone horribly wrong. She had known him long enough to tell when he was keeping something from her. Leaving her on the TARDIS confirmed whatever it was would be something she wouldn't approve of. The more she tried to read him, the more she realised there was only one person who could have caused the anger within his eyes. "Missy. You've been to see her. That's why you didn't tell me where you were going."