Before I die I would like to write a book to my son Zy-Q and daughters Xy-Lin and Yay-Xue, all my loved ones, people who knew me or thought they knew me, people who cared, and the ones who wanted to know who I was because when you find real love then is when you will cease to exist because what you will experience will be like nothing you ever experienced before.
Today I woke up feeling strange, like there where something under my skin. For days now I had this pain under my right big toe. It was swollen and red and I couldn't walk on it. I hopped to the toilet, kitchen, shower and dinner table for days. I all of a sudden woke up this way. A banging pain woke me up and I saw that it was swollen. It was weird. I tried to trace back all I have done the day before to the shoes I had on for any irregularities but my day was good.
I went out, had my black boots on with dr sholls souls in them, a black pair of pantyhose me and my mom had bought the week before at the mall. It was a stressful day because my partner and I where trying to get some school issues worked out for my son. We moved to his house a couple of months before, In the summer. We had managed to prepare everything even school for him before school starts. But we ended up having to bring him back to his old school commuting back and forth between two cities everyday. I hated it and I did my best making my son hate it as well.
My partner, a loving soul was very disturbed by all this so we went out to the store and sat in the parking lot for an hour and a half and talked about the world and people. We did this before and I liked it. We talked about everything normally but in the parking lot of this store was something special and intimate for me. A relaxed environment where I knew no one, It was not at home and my son was not there or about to get there. We where "alone". Human behaviour is the most interesting topic we ever talked about. From respect to habits to principles to intentions to love and marriage. We had a partnership based on friendship. That day he asked me about the rings.". Was I supposed to buy three or two or how does it work?" He asked. I smiled. I have been married before to the father of my kids but I did not know how it was supposed to be. We had one ring that was bought years before and by the time we married I had lost the ring bodyboarding with him because I lost weight and didn't notice when the weaves stole it from me.. I thought about that and embarrassed said:" Couldn't you ask your dad?" He obviously knows because he is still married to your mom I thought to myself. It's the best omen you can have, when your parents are still married. You feel confident still after many unsuccessful relationships that your marriage will be for ever. Even I was confident about it because at least one of us knows it doesn't have to end because of their commitment. I wanted that. Marrying my best friend. They say you can't do business with your best friend. But I am sure that's the best business you can ever have. If both of you are loyal beings and trust each other and exclude everyone else's opinions, and talk everything out before falling asleep there's no better business. And falling asleep is way better this way.
Back home I helped my son with his online schooling while my partner did more research. Then we had dinner and went to sleep. I dreamt about my grandpa, we lost him and where looking for him and I found him in an underground centre for old people. He was in the men's room looking at his fine self in the mirror and saying affirmative things to himself for energy. Fixing his shirt as if he was about to pick up on one of the old ladies. When I pulled him out of the men's room and asked what he was doing he said enthusiastically;" I found this place and it cost €10 isn't it great?!!" Then my mom arrived and I woke up. In pain. Couldn't move my foot or stretch it. I needed to pee but laid there for a minute reflecting about my dream. What did it meant? I had that before. A dream where we lost him.
My grandpa had Alzheimer and he died this year January. My whole life changed after this. I was troubled deeply by his cremation. Before that I was okay with death, even his. But since the cremation I got depressed and anxious all together. Overthinking my life and choices, finding myself crying in despair or laughing for having cried. I would cry myself to sleep not knowing what to do with my life. I loved myself. I learned after so much abuse how to love myself and this is how it will end? Death to me was so close now. Having only one grandma still alive death was closer than ever but I refuse to die next. I refuse to have my gorgeous body burned to ashes or buried to be eaten by worms. Why then take care of it?? It's all going to waste anyways?? Just like an uneaten apple, rotten or burned like a cigaret. Really whats the point of make-up? Or pretty dresses or shoes or bags??
At that time I was going to school, I dropped out because I was always tired. I wanted to do something else I didn't want to be in that building. I didn't had a internship which was required to take part of the study. So they had me on a temporary contract. I had a home-based business. I loved to be at home all day doing things I liked. Reading, researching and meeting new people was my thing. I met people from all over the world. I would sometimes lose sleep just to talk to them till 3am. Share our stories share my mind. I met amazing people and I loved my business. It brought me a lot of money, it paid my rent my food my trips and hobbies. I learned a whole lot about human behaviour. About management and about sharing. Especially LOVE.
My business was based on trust. There was no other way. Before this business I did not trust a soul. I did not trust humans being one myself. I did not trust my parents or friends or any one. This business made me learn how to trust myself and others based on words and a transaction of energy. Work and money. I will tell you later what kind of business it was but now it is not so important.
A few months before I started this business I was preparing for my daughters arrival. There where coming for the summer to spend their 6 weeks vacation with me. Something their dad and had I worked out the year prior. So this was their second time.
I live in the Netherlands since 2015 with my son, and they live in Aruba with their dad and grandma. Why? A messy divorce and no married parents to show us the right way. I didn't want anything to do with their dad after that because of how it went. Didn't speak to him for four years. I communicated everything with his mother.
She is a very understanding and caring person. I still love her even if I didn't liked her silence at the time all was going down. She is a loyal person the first loyal mother figure I ever knew. Thick or thin close or far you can count on her if you are part of her family. She never denied her son anything reasonable. She is a reasonable person. She will do anything and everything at her power to help her kids. And because I had kids with her son she did everything to help me too. But she had no idea about marriage. I guess having brought up two sons as a single mom with the help of her own mom never been married how would she? But she sure was loyal to her family. Her mom was strict and old fashioned and I can't leave out "religious". She would pray all day sitting in her rocking chair. Go to funerals like they where parties. Habitually went to church every Sundays and on special occasions during the weeks too. I would consider her meddling but she wanted the best for her family too. She died of a terrible fall that placed her in a coma she never got out of. My girls suffered a lot but they are strong girls and showed their grandma lots of love.
LOVE what is the meaning of love?
I ask myself this often. It's being there for people you love giving your all. Standing by there side in difficult times even if you don't know what to say. Is communicating your feelings considering the other persons feelings too only sharing yours so you would be understood. Is going the extra mile because you trust that it will be okay after that. Is trusting that no matter how bad it is now it will not stay that way because everything changes anyways. It is to forgive no matter what went down in the past. It is moving forward with the future goals in heart and the past lessons in your mind for fuel.
It is not a feeling or a moment. It is eternity. Loyalty trust and communication is the best way you can learn to love. And I have spent my whole life endlessly looking for it and it was there always. In everyone around me in every hardship struggle and tragedy it never left me. My kids are Love, my parents are Love, my partner is Love. Everyone I met was a different version of Love. It will always exist like it always has.
