The Words I Could Never Say

Panic

Panic

Panic courses through my system,

I hear the words full of anger play in my ears.

My tear falling down my cheeks,

Quickly making my top wet.

I can’t breathe.

I panic even harder,

Slowly lowering myself to the floor.

I’m over heated,

My shirt inclosing the heat,

Becoming too close to my neck.

Everything is closing in on me.

The wall and ground cold,

Breathe,

Just Breathe,

The words don’t help,

My panic worsens,

The words still ringing in my ears,

Only a mumble now.

Every sense is heightened.

I take off my shirt,

Leaving on my tank,

Feeling the cold air cool my overheated skin,

My breathing causing my vision to start to fade,

I am trapped and can’t leave,

I finally stand,

Causing my head to spin,

My stomach feels ill,

My legs tingling,

I get to my bed room,

Panicking laying on the bed,

Quickly grabbing my comfort

My soft old teddy and small burpy

My breathing not controllable.

Tears still drenching me,

Cooling me off,

My throat feels like it is closing,

I am hyperventilating,

Causing even more panic,

Their words still installing more panic,

I can’t stop with their words loud in my ears,

I finally plug ear buds into my ears,

Clicking with shaky hands,

Onto a video,

A video that calms me.

Not long until it’s over,

You’re okay.

I type

She replies

She helps,

Calms me,

Is there for me.

I finally finish panicking after what feels like hours,

But in reality was around 18 minutes.

Only gasping for air every now and then,

My panic attack comes to a slow painful conclusion.

Everything hurts,

My lungs

Heart from beating way too fast,

Legs

Back

Throat

Mind,

Eyes

Mouth.

Everything.

I’m worn out,

Hours pass and the panic attacks come in small bursts,

No more than 15 minutes of full on panic.

She stays online with me,

Typing,

Comforting from a far,

Zoe’s words ring in my ears,

Closing my panic attacks every time.

I am tired,

Mentally and physically,

My eyes and chest hurt so much.

I can’t handle it.

I stay awake for hours,

Until no more gasps for air come out.

So for you, my calmer,

Thank you.