The Words I Could Never Say

Alone

I am alone

In a house with others

The walls close in

I barely escape into my room

Where my laptop takes me away

Away for pain

Reality

Hurt

My laptop is there no matter what

Never is it rude

Or mean

Never will it cause me hurt

I am alone

With a house with two others

She only takes care of her

Never to be yelled at or bickered with

Never to be told what to do

Never to be made to do something for herself

Me however

Yelled at

Picked at

Help up to honor her

As if I am the older one

As if I can take everything

I can’t

I break

Break but no one knows

I hide it

With smiles and laughs

A façade I feel forced to keep

Be nice

I am told

Treat your neighbor as you treat yourself

And yet I don’t get this in return

My words lost behind hers

My throat hurting from yelling

My eyes begging me to release the tears

But I don’t

I can’t

I have to be strong

I don’t want to fight alone

I find myself in this way anyway

Youtube takes me away

Let’s me see what I will never get

Let’s me laugh

And smile

Not fake but real

My life is on this

Stored under my own

Never for anyone to see

Just me

All to my own.

So maybe I can take a few blows to myself esteem

And seem unfazed

But it builds

I sit now in silent tears

Only in hours to put on a smile

And play the part

I’m tired

And I’m alone

I have little joy

But you won’t know

I am the younger one

Now cast as the oldest

Having to be strong

But not allowed to fight back

I have empathy

However none is given to me

No one cares enough

I am alone

In a house where I am welcomed

Where I had good days

The memories suffocate me

I was so happy

I was filled with joy

I was the young one

Who didn’t worry about

Things like pushing someone to far

Who could fight back

Who could say no

And hold my own

Now I live in a hell disguised as wonderful

In a place where it looks fine

Until you live there

Until you set foot into it

You do not know

No one knows

Nor will they

Now I sit here

Dried tears on my face

Saying one thing

I’m Alone.