Merlin Oneshots

15. What would you know?

[This one is short and sweet, and by that I mean it's only 717 words and slightly angst-ridden. Enjoy.]

Merlin made his way down to the training grounds, it was the middle of the night but he'd heard a commotion - the same source as it had been for the past month. Arthur, training again.

Four weeks prior, he'd lost Gwen to a bandit while they were out on a picnic together and Arthur had blamed himself for it. He'd thought they'd be fine without a guard, after all they would only be gone for half an hour, but they were ambushed and Arthur wasn't strong enough, or quick enough, to fight all thirteen off alone. Gwen had died because of his own 'selfishness'.

"Arthur?" Merlin called out to the King, who was busy tearing apart a straw practice dummy with his sword.

"Go away, Merlin. I wish to be alone." He grunted, plunging his sword through another.

"That's what you've said every day for the past month." Merlin commented aloud as he crossed the field.

"And yet, you still ignore it." Arthur ground out.

"You'll have to talk sometime, Arthur." Merlin sighed, coming to a stop at a safe distance from the swinging blade, and sitting himself down on the grass, "You can't ignore it forever."

"Watch me." He barked, decapitating another dummy.

"I can't. I can't watch you beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault!" Merlin exclaimed, "Thirteen men! How could you have fought them? You couldn't. You did your best."

"And it wasn't good enough." Arthur paused, glaring at Merlin, "Thank you for reminding me. If I'd just agreed to bring guards then Guinevere... then... then she might still be here." His eyes were glistening with tears that were yet to fall and Merlin deflated.

"Arthur, I know it hurts. I know-"

"And what would you know about pain, Merlin?" Arthur snapped with a scoff, "No one can understand how I feel right now so just leave me alone."

Merlin felt his blood run cold and he clenched his fists in bubbling anger, "You selfish, ignorant, insensitive, royal prat." He said lowly, tears of his own threatening to fall.

"I'm sorry?" Arthur spluttered, caught completely off guard.

"Do you think you're the only one who's lost people? You think you're the only one who's dealing with shit? Well fuck you!" Merlin exclaimed, shaking slightly. Arthur didn't know what to say but it turned out he didn't have to say anything, for Merlin wasn't finished. "I have lost so many people, Arthur. So many. Of course I know how you feel. I've lost my Mother, my Father, Will, Lancelot, the woman I loved.... so many people. And now Gwen? She was one of my best friends, Arthur. The third best friend I have lost in three years. You are not the only one grieving."

Arthur let his sword slip from his grip, not knowing what to say. Merlin's words circled his mind several times over in an attempt to digest the information he was just fed. He sank down beside Merlin, deciding it was best to remain silent as Merlin didn't seem to be finished.

"I understand it's different for you. Losing the woman you love is one of the worst feelings." Merlin let out a shaky breath, "But you have to move forward. Do you think she would have wanted this?" Arthur looked at Merlin and was instantly reminded of when Balinor died, he was radiating the same raw, emotional intensity.

"I... no. She wouldn't." Arthur mumbled, defeated, "It just... it hurts, Merlin. How do you make it stop?"

Merlin's smile was soft and sad, and his eyes glistened with tears, "You don't." He whispered, his voice breaking, "It gets easier to manage with time, you take that pain and that anger you feel and you use it. You use it to keep fighting, and keep moving forward, for Gwen. When you remember her, don't think of her last moments, think of the good things you had, and be thankful you had them."

Arthur stayed silent for a moment, wiping the tears from his face before smiling back, "You're really wise sometimes, you know that, Merlin? It doesn't suit you."

Merlin choked out a laugh, swiping away a stray tear, "Prat."

"Dollop-head." Arthur managed to say, throwing his arm round Merlin's shoulder, throwing his head back to look at the stars.