Phan One - Shots

Sorry - Sequel to Curse

A/N - Hello! This one is, another angst, as it is the sequel to my previous one - shot, "Curse". You don't need to read it to understand this story, but if you want to read it, just read it. It's the previous one - shot. If you just want to get some background information, then go ahead and read it too. If you don't want to read it and you just skipped it, then that's cool too. Also, Phil's younger than Dan in this story.

Sumamry - "I'm sorry..."

Warnings - Character death, mentions of suicide, self - harm, and swearing

Genre - ANGST

Word count - 1211

 (Dan's PoV)

        I should've stopped it. I knew he was depressed. I knew he loved me, by the way he looked at me. But I didn't do anything to stop him. In fact, I made him worse. Why? I have no fucking idea. I thought I loved him. I did - no, I still do love him, and forever will. So why couldn't I prevent this? Why didn't I prevent this? It was entirely my fault. I should've stopped it! But I increased the fire, making loneliness burn at the bottom of his heart. I knew he loved me, but I was still scared of rejection. What the fuck was wrong with me?

        "I'm sorry, Phil, I'm so sorry..." Tears spilt out of my eyes. I could've caught up to him. But no, I had to take my sweet ass time to catch up to him. Damn... I could've told him, I SHOULD'VE told him that I love him! That I cared. His suicide note read precisely 'I know you wouldn't give a narwhal if I died, Dan, because I'm just a clingy, bipolar mess of a person, but don't blame yourself'. Suicides are not things you commonly find people commiting - oh wait, who am I kidding? With the language these days, the insults these days, the humanity these days, suicide is becoming a more and more common thing. Self - harm is gaining popularity. But alas, no one gives a fuck about those little kids who do it. I used to not care either, but when I saw Phil, when I saw the real personality of these kids at my school, when they began to bully Phil... I'm sorry, I whisper daily. I'm sorry about hurting you, I'm sorry about not caring, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... please, please forgive me... I didn't know, I didn't know... guilt has taken over my spirit. It's consuming - consumed - me. I can't believe I did this to him. I practically killed him. It's my fault. It's MY FAULT! Goddamn it! Every single day I would walk past him and feel especially attracted to him. I thought I loved him. I thought... I thought I understood him. Oh, how ridiculous I was! I thought I knew him, but I didn't. He killed himself. I had plenty of time to get him an ambulance before he died. But I didn't. Regrets. Regrets. I was a scaredy cat. I was scared I'd get beaten up too. I was frightened at the thought of being wounded. Deep down inside, I didn't want to end up like Phil, who started to get bullied when he came out.

        "I love you Phil. I love you so fucking much, but this is how I pay you back..." I hissed under my breath. Goddamnit! I've really fucked up this time haven't I? I've let go of the one that could've made my life. I could've chosen a different path. But no, I murdered that poor boy. Oh yeah, by the way, did I tell you that it's been exactly ten years since he died? Yeah. That's how much I love the fucking boy. He was ten when he commited suicide, and I was eleven. Did I tell you how he died? Never mind... you don't want to hear the story. Let me tell you this; his mum physically killed him, but I emotionally killed him. Don't worry. His mother is fine; after they found out that he committed suicide, she was released. I don't know what happened to her and her husband after that. Maybe they moved, maybe they started a new life, maybe they are still grieving for their lost son. Philip Michael Lester... he never knew my full name, he only knew that I was Dan. That's it. He didn't know I was Daniel James Howell. He didn't know I loved him. He didn't know a lot of things. We all didn't know a lot of things; we were all ten or eleven, for fuck's sake.

        "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I shouted, angry at the wall. I punched the large cement block, and when my fist slammed into the solidness of the wall, I was escaped into my haven. My happy place. However, that only lasted for a few seconds. As the pain resided, I was dragged back down into the black hole that was reality. And for the first time in forever (A/N Frozen reference, I regret nothing), I smiled. I didn't go out much anyways, so I didn't really have to cover up my arms. I ran to the bathroom, locked the door just in case my mother visited or something, and grabbed a sharp thing from nearby. It wasn't quite a razor blade, but it was sharp and exactly what I needed. Without hesitation, I swiped it across my wrist. It stung for a moment before I was lifted into the sky. Heavenly. I sighed in relief as I closed my eyes and began to cut more, bleeding everywhere. I suddenly opened my eyes, and grabbed the sharp thing. It cut into my fingers, but I didn't care. I quickly got dressed in jeans and a hoodie, and caught a taxi to the graveyard Phil was buried at. Trudging out of the car, I let my gaze swoop around the graveyeard, taking in the dull sight. I was the only one here. Making my way through the overgrown grass, clenching my roses tightly, my eyes catch Phil's grave. I close my eyes, and in my other hand, a small velvet box.

        "... I, I never really got to know you, Phil, didn't I?" I softly whisper at the stonehead right in front of me, tears forming in my eyes as I gently lay the roses beside the gravestone. R.I.P, Philip Michael Lester, 1995 - 2005

        "Well, Phil... we haven't really talked much... but I know I hurt you, I know I killed you. Fuck, I loved you in reality. Chelsea? She was fake. Our relationship... it didn't work out after you died. I didn't like her, let alone love her. Heh, I'm guessing you're pretty confused right now. But before I go, I wanted to ask you this... will you marry me?" I ask sincerely, and without asking for an asnwer, I just place the silver ring next to the roses. After that, I'm gone. Gone to join Phil in the stars, tears brimming in my eyes.

So this is a goodbye, and a hello.

I guess it's true that if you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello...