Miss Personality

How to See the Future

I fell asleep that night wondering what I was supposed to be thinking about. My mind was going a million miles a minute but I didn't even know what I was thinking about.

That makes no sense.

I eventually fell asleep and my brain was a tangled mess of dreams turning into real thoughts.

I dreamt of me marrying Quincy, of me having kids, of me just being alone in the world. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life and about how I have absolutely nothing. I know nothing. How long have teachers been pestering kids to think about the future and then there's me just fluttering around with no clue where she's going in life.

It's nights like this that lead to you not sleeping until you've finally worn down all of the layers of your brain. Finally, you're last instinct kicks in and you sit alone in your bed listening to the same song on repeat while crying.

You find something different about the song every time you listen to it, whether it be the chords or the melody or the words.

*Cactus in the Valley by Lights featuring Owl City*

*I never meant to wither
I wanted to be tall
Like a fool left the river
And watched my branches fall
Old and thirsty, I longed for the flood
To come back around
To the cactus in the valley
That's about to crumble down

And wipe the mark of sadness from my face
Show me that your love will never change
If my yesterday is a disgrace
Tell me that you still recall my name

So, the storm finally found me
And left me in the dark
In the cloud around me
I don't know where you are
If this whole world goes up in arms
All I can do is stand
And I won't fight for anyone
Until you move my hand

And wipe the mark of madness from my face
Show me that your love will never change
If my yesterday is a disgrace
Tell me that you still recall my name

Oh, here
In the shadow
Here I am
And I need someone by my side
It becomes so
Hard to stand
And I keep trying to dry my eyes
Come and find me
In the valley*

There's so many people that I love and that love me, but there's something missing. I feel like I need to start over and just be the real me. I don't know where to do it though.

I can't do it at my school. I don't want to have to convince people of who I am. I just what to be that person.

I wanted to be tall. I might be popular and in charge of stuff, but I'm not my own version of tall. I'm someone else's. But I don't know who that person is.

Is it me? I wish it was. But I don't think that the life I am living is the life I want. I don't want to be someone who looks back at her life and has to say 'I had everything I could possibly have dreamt of, but I wasn't happy. And I don't know why.' I don't know why.

I need someone to find me in the valley. I need them to tell me that they still recall my name.

My yesterday is a disgrace.

So tell me that you still recall my name.
The next morning I woke up tired and with bloodshot eyes. I didn't know what came over me, but I knew something had to change.

I knew just how to make it happen. It would probably ruin some relationships, but my happiness and my purpose in life has to be more important.
I just hope it is.

I hope I'm making the right decision .

•••••••••

I want to travel. I want to go somewhere. Somewhere that I can forget everything and just be whoever the hell I want to be.
I'm leaving next week, and I'm taking Quincy with me.

••••••••

We left this morning. Right now we are on a flight to Europe. We have endless money and support and no worries in the world. We didn't finish school. I don't care about school. I can go back later and my parents will probably just pay for me to graduate and that'll be that.

For now though, I just need to figure out what I want to go back to school for.

FLASHBACK

"Mom. Dad. I want to go places. I want to travel and see things and find inspiration and do whatever I want to do. I don't want to be holed up here, being someone I'm not. I want to travel, and I want to travel with Quincy."

My mom and dad looked at each other.

"Honey... You can't just throw something like this at us. We understand that you've been through a lot lately, but your father and I just aren't sure that we can allow you to go across the world with your high-school boyfriend!"

"Then I will just go myself."

"Your mom and I are going to support you no matter what you choose to do. We don't suggest traveling around the world, but it's your life. You can do whatever you want with it."

I smiled and hugged them. "I'm going to do this. I'm so happy you guys are supporting me. It really does mean the world to me. And I was thinking that I could get a camera to take around with me so that I can take videos for you. Ill post them on YouTube and you can see them."

My mom spoke. "Consider that done. Consider everything done. We will get your plane tickets ready and get you four destinations with clothes and supplies for the next one. You won't know where you're going, but it will work out because you are tough and independent and beautiful in every way."

END OF FLASHBACK

This flight was to a small town in Germany.

We landed soon and Quincy and I headed to our hotel room.

Quincy broke the silence between our thoughts and asked me, "Do you have any idea what you want to do?"

"I was thinking maybe teaching or being something like a lawyer."

"I was looking at some videos on YouTube about choosing a job and I found this really funny one that I think could really help you. Do you wanna watch it?"

"We don't have anything better to do, hun."

••••••••
We just explored the city for a while, having picnics and going to different malls and doing different things.

I loved being away with Quincy, but I missed my parents and my friends and everyone that I love.

Maybe I wasn't ready to go on this journey.

Later in the week, Quincy and I rented bikes and went biking around some of the scenery.

We were just minding out business when someone yelled at us.

"Get out of my way! Bitch, move. I'm going to run your fat ass over if you don't move!"

How nice.

I went over to the side of the road so he could pass me and Quincy followed suit.

The other biker yelled from what was now in front of us, "I'm sorry for being so rude, but you were hogging up the whole road!"