The Fault in our Scars - Ashton Irwin

Chapter 2

It felt like years sitting next to him, pleading with his lifeless body before the ambulance arrived. The paramedics put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out as I walked next to him, holding his hand. I couldn't lose him, not like this. I called his mom from the ambulance, no answer. I called his bandmates next, all on their way to the ER when they heard the news. They met me in the waiting room after we got to the hospital and the doctors wheeled Ashton away. We sat together, speechless, until an hour later when a doctor came to talk to us. He explained that Ashton had tried to take his own life, and failed. He would be okay. I fell to my knees crying and thanking God for not taking him from me. After a few more minutes, they let me in to see him.

I walked in his room and sat next to the bed where he was sleeping. As I held his hand I noticed the bandages on his wrists and started to cry.

"Baby I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you when you needed me, but I'm so so happy you're still here with me. We'll get through this, okay? You and I are strong enough to get through this together, you know that. Be strong for me, Ash. I need you, I love you." He was so perfect, even as he slept. I held his hand until I too was sleeping away my pain.

I woke up a few hours later when a nurse came in to check on Ashton. He was awake now, still holding my hand. She changed his bandages and gave him some more pain medicine through his IV. She told us Ashton's mother was here to see him. He stayed silent until the nurse left. We looked at each other for a while before he finally said "I love you." He kissed my hand as his mom ran in the room. She broke down crying as soon as she saw him. She ran to his side and kissed his forehead. I hugged her and left them to be alone. I made my way down the hall, still wearing my clothes from work the night before, still covered in Ashton's blood. I joined Luke, Michael, and Calum in the waiting room. They asked me how he was doing, and all I could say was "fine". I didn't know anymore. He seemed happy as ever before tonight. How could he have been so sad but so good at keeping it a secret? Maybe the outside isn't always what it seems.

Ashton was released from the hospital two days later. We drove home, barely escaping the paparazzi crowding the hospitals exit.

"I wish they'd fuck off. I don't want people to know about this." he growled. I didn't know what to say, so I just held his hand. I didn't know much of anything these days. The boy who sat in my passenger seat was not the same boy who, just months before, was uploading videos of him blowdrying his face and twerking on cars. This boy was broken and sad. All I wanted was to fix him. But how do you take such beautiful, fragile pieces and put them back together to form the masterpiece they once were? The only answer I could think of was love.

I turned on the radio, knowing that music is what usually lightens Ashton's mood. Hallucinations by Angels and Airwaves came on and I'd hoped Ash would sing along as usual, but he stayed silent, looking out the window and into the rainy October morning.

We pulled up in front of our apartment building where hundreds of young girls silently waited, unlike their usual hysteria. We walked hand in hand through the crowd, as a few girls handed Ashton flowers and a few said things like "we love you Ash" or "we're here for you". No one screamed, mobbed, or took pictures. By the time we made it in the lobby, Ashton was in tears. I went in for a hug.

"They mean so much to me." he sobbed into my shoulder.

"And you mean so much to them," I said back. "Don't leave them behind."

The entry way to our apartment was covered top to bottom in flowers and well wishes from the other boys, their families, the crew and managers from the boys' tour, almost everyone we knew. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I was almost moved to tears.  

"Get rid of them. I don't want to see them again." Was the only thing Ashton said. He threw a vase to the floor, stepped right through the shattered pieces, headed toward our bedroom and slammed the door.

I ran after him screaming. "Ashton what the hell?! These people are trying to help you and you want to throw their gifts away?! Look how many people love and care about you!" I hardly knew who he was anymore.

He opened our bedroom door, stuck his head out and said under his breath, "It's humiliating. Everyone knows my secrets now. They know I'm broken. They'll pity me, talk to me like I'm a child. I already feel guilty for what I've put everyone through. I don't need any reminders." and he closed the door, creating another wall between us I would do anything to knock down.

I turned and walked to our living room sofa, where Ashton's shirt laid in between the seat cushions. I pulled it out and brought it to my face, inhaling the scent of the Ashton I used to know: clean from the showers we used to take together, sweaty from practicing on his drum set, a slight smell of beer from the late nights spent out partying with the boys. The old Ashton, the one who's laugh could light up a room and who worked so hard for others, thinking of them before himself, was not the same Ashton who laid in our bed right now.

I stripped down to just my underwear and put on his shirt, too big for me, with holes in all the wrong places, but it felt so good to have a piece of him so close to my skin. I sat and cried for a while, wondering if I would see that smile light up ever again. But I knew if anyone could fix him, it was me. I got up, knowing I had to be strong for him, went into the kitchen and made toast with Vegemite, and slowly opened our bedroom door, letting in enough light to startle him awake.

"Babe? You haven't eaten in a while... I made you a snack." I brought him the plate and sat by his side as he ate. The silence was so loud.

"I'm sorry I never know what to say. I want to help you." I said quietly as I stared at the empty shell that belonged to the boy I once knew. All he could say was "I know." He finished his toast and laid down on his side and stared blankly out of our wall of windows and the view of the city, his back facing me. I laid down next to him, molding my body to fit his. I snuck my hand through his arm and he curled my hand into his chest. I kissed his back and I prayed he'd never let go. It was this silent declaration of love that I knew would put us back together.

We woke up later that night. Ashton sat up and leaned against the headboard. "We should talk about this." I sat up too, cuddling up next to him. Almost losing him made me want to be as close to him as possible.

"Ok let's talk." I said as I cuddled my head into his chest.

He looked at me for a while before asking, "Are you mad?"

I had to think for a while before I could come up with an answer. "Of course I'm mad. You could've died, leaving me to find your body. I don't know what I'd do without you. Why wasn't I enough to make you stay? Yes, I'm upset. But I'm more worried for you. I had no idea you felt this way. I feel guilty I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But I love you, and I'm going to help you through this."  He immediately got out of bed and got dressed.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Call the boys. I need my family. You remember where my mom's house is, right?" 

I rushed to finish this chapter because I'm leaving for Chicago to see 5SOS at jingle bash in 5 DAYS (!!!) and I know I probably won't have time to update until then. Comment and vote, and of course follow me on Twitter (@PrettyLttlePill)! ILY and thanks for reading!