The Fault in our Scars - Ashton Irwin

Chapter 9

I had been in an internal fight with myself ever since I found out about Sara's plan. The show was tonight, and one part of me was dying to see Ashton again. I loved him so much it drove both of us crazy, I missed him so much I could feel it, and it felt like I'd whither away if I didn't see his smile one more time. But the other part of me was afraid. I was afraid to see him as he was now, he wasn't the same person I'd known a few short weeks ago. I was afraid to see him with someone else, afraid of what that might do to me. I didn't know how he'd react to me being there either. That was his territory, and I felt uncomfortable showing up there uninvited, even if I was friends with the other boys. I loved him enough to understand that if, for whatever reason, I was the cause of all of his problems, me being there before the show could blow apart the few pieces Ashton had replaced over the last few weeks.

Sara, Luke, and Calum had been blowing up my phone all day trying to convince me to come. The boys practically begged, telling me I was what he needed. They told me even if he did break down again it would be easier for us to move on, our relationship no longer hanging over our heads. After wearing myself out by overthinking every possible scenario, I decided to go. I was selfish enough to go based on my need just to see him again. I didn't care if he yelled at me, told me he hated me, I didn't think I could last another second without him.

Sara sent me a text saying she'd come by and pick me up around 5. She also told me that the boys had set aside two front row tickets for us, if I would agree to stay for the show. The whole thing felt like a dream. Since when was I afraid of Ashton? How long had it been since he'd felt like a stranger? I've never felt nervous to be around him, not the first time we met or our first proper date alone. I sat on my bed in my parent's home, dressed and ready to go, and was pulled out of my thoughts by Sara's knock on my bedroom door. I checked the clock and realized it was 5:15.

"I guess I lost track of time. Sorry to keep you waiting, I'm just nervous I guess." I felt like a child. 

"It's okay, I understand. There's nothing to be nervous about. From what Michael says, Ashton is more nervous than you are..." Knowing that should've made it easier for me, but instead it only made me worry more.

I couldn't stop jerking my knee up and down as I sat nervously and impatiently in the passengers seat of Sara's car on our way to the arena. By the time she pulled up to the back I thought I was going to puke. I double checked my hair and made sure my clothes were straight. I didn't want to look as big of a mess on the outside as I felt on the inside. Sara grabbed my hand as we walked past the security guard on the outside. We walked down the long hallway to the boys dressing room and stopped in front of the door before Sara knocked. Michael answered the door and I looked aside as he and Sara kissed. Michael opened the door wider, letting us inside. I waved to Luke and Calum, and my eyes made their way over to Ashton. He sat on the couch with a girl I'd never seen before positioned on his lap.

I gasped and tried to cover it up with a cough, trying not to draw his attention to me. My plan failed and my heart stopped beating and my breath hitched in my chest as Ashton's eyes locked on mine. The room was silent, and the blonde girl on his lap had no idea what was going on. Before anyone could react, he pushed her aside and stood up from the couch, running out of the other door in the back of the room. Luke gave me a sympathetic look. Calum looked down at his hands in his lap, unsure of what to say or do. Sara grabbed my hand once again as I took a deep breath and made my way over to the couch and sat next to Luke, reminding myself that they were my friends too.

We'd been backstage for almost 45 minutes, and I'd began to feel more comfortable. The girl on the couch introduced herself as Molly, and I couldn't help but find it strange that Ashton would try and move on with a girl with the same name as me. She was a sweet girl though, and we actually got along really well. He still hadn't come back to the room since running out when I'd arrived, and the boys went on stage in 15 minutes. Calum excused himself to find him and it was obvious the boys were trying not to panic. A few minutes later, Luke got a text from Calum saying that he'd found him and it was time for them to warm up below stage. Michael kissed Sara goodbye and Luke gave me a quick hug, assuring me it'd be worth it if I stayed for the show. I knew how badly Sara wanted to see Michael, so I decided to stay for her.

Sara, Molly and I made our way to our seats, enjoying the acts that performed before the boys. The radio DJ announced that they'd be on stage next, and I felt my heart racing in my chest. It felt like a year passed, but checking my phone I'd realized it was only 3 minutes, and the lights went up signaling the boys were coming out. Ashton was the first on stage, standing on top of his drum kit, raising his hands to his ears to pump up the crowd. His eyes found mine, even with the hundreds of other people in the crowd, and it felt like they'd lingered there for a moment too long. I broke the staredown and looked at my feet. I felt guilty and awkward, because by the way Molly looked between me, then Ashton, then back at me, I could tell she knew there was something going on.

Luke, Calum and Michael ran on stage next, and they began to play a few songs. I tried not to think too much every time Ashton's eyes met mine. Finally it was time for their last song, and Luke stared right at me as he introduced the song as one that Ashton had recently written. Ashton stood up from the stool behind his drum kit, looked straight at me, and spoke into the microphone.

"I wrote this song when I was going through a really rough time. I wrote it for someone in audience tonight, and I hope she loves it as much as I love her." Molly and I stared at each other, neither of us knowing which one of us he was referring to. I prayed that the floor would open up and swallow me whole.