At this point in my life, I don't know what I need. I know what I want. I have emphasized a few times that what I want is never what I need. (Or vice-versa). It's like...
"Do I listen to God and trust that whatever He has chosen for me will be just what I need?"
Or
"Do I ignore His plan for me and try to construct my own, giving into the lusts of my flesh?"
You would think it is easy. Obviously, trust God. And I do. It's like...I know I should listen to Him, to help grow my trust for Him. I trust, but I don't listen. It is hard to explain. Hmmm...it's like...you trust that nothing but good will come from actually listening; you just somehow cannot bring yourself to listen for whatever reason.
Choosing which mentality to live with is hard for me. I am too far into this world. Just about every inch of me is covered in filth. I have seen things I can't unsee. I have said things I should not have said, yet continue to. I have convinced myself too many times that 'just this once' will never affect my faith. Countless times I have embraced sin. How could I ever turn back now? I am so used to having the 'I wants' lead me into the future; but never the 'I needs'.
I need Jesus, but I want financial stability, fun, some recognition, "crazy" memories, and so many other things which "do not matter".
Christianity is a home.
But the world is an amusement park.
