Tattoos

XV

Dean had grown to hate school, which was unusual because he's more on the nerdy side. More so, he's grown to hate life.

Everybody has their habits, whether it's drinking, smoking, drugs (like Dean), self harm, binging, there's lots more that people do. Dean has two terrible secret habits, drugs and self harm. He may not look it at first, but underneath the fabric of his beloved sweaters, are scars, too many to count; one year worth, but it's still too many. Dean hadn't told anyone about his addiction of seeing his own blood, Bobby only knows about his drug addiction because he saw Dean high before; even then, he didn't take it too well. Dean had always questioned whether or not he should tell his friends, mostly because he's scared of rejection. After all, everyone is scared of rejection.

"Dean, honey, what's wrong?" Mary asked, sitting down on the foot of Dean's bed to rub his back.

Dean sniffled and wiped away a stray tear. "Nothing, Mom."

"Well it's obviously something," Dean had always adored his mother for her uncanny amount of sass. "You were crying all of Sunday and yesterday."

Dean closed his eyes tightly. "When you feel in love with Dad, did you ever get in a really bad fight?" he asked.

Mary took a minute to think. "Yes, we did actually. He wanted to move away from my parents and I didn't want to just yet, we had just gotten married and I didn't have a job. In the end, we didn't speak to each other for a couple days."

Dean pushed his face further into his pillow. "If dad had ever hurt you, physically, would you forgive him?"

Mary nodded, "Well, it depends on how bad."

"He put you in the hospital..." Dean choked out, images of Castiel's bloody face racing through his head.

"If he was drunk, I'd help him stop the drinking problem. If it was out of pure anger, I probably would try," Mary said, running a hand through Dean's hair.

"Mom, I ruined it," Dean said, more tears swelling up his eyes and leaving wet streaks across his cheeks.

"Ruined what?" Mary asked, rubbing Dean's back again, as if it will make all of his heartbreak go away.

Dean sniffled, "My relationship. I ruined it, Mom."

Mary gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Why don't you come to my meet tonight, there will be more kids there your age and you can talk all about it. It feels better to confess to people other than me, Dean."

Dean gave it a short thought and nodded, thinking what else can I possibly lose.

"It's tonight at seven, drive the Impala. Your father picked it up and fixed it for you."

Dean gave her a small smile and sat up to try and get ready for school.

------

Grammar class is now Dean's favorite. Crowley decided to stick with writing letters in their journals, he said sometime along the lines of his students being less stressed after; and it was true, Dean did feel a little relieved after he wrote his letter addressed to Cass. Crowley announced class to begin and Dean looked over at Castiel, who slowly took out his journal and a pencil.

Dean opened his to find another sticky note saying "You didn't see me after class on Friday, Squirrel, you better be there today. You won't regret it" signed "Crowley, AKA, King Of Hell". Dean shrugged and took out his journal, beginning to write.

Dear Cass,

I really wish I could talk to you. I noticed how sad you look, I'm guessing I caused it and I'm sorry. I wouldn't ever hurt you and I want you to know that...I was just so angry, I don't know why I did it. I'm so stupid, I should just go. You'd be happier, Mom and Dad would, Sammy wouldn't have to deal with my annoying shit, the other students would quit giving me dirty looks...I just want to go. You wouldn't care, you don't care about me anymore; who's to say you ever did! I fućked everything up and I'm fućking sorry! I wish you'd just let me say that to you! I wish you'd believe me! I love you and it's stupid, it's really dumb of me and I wish I didn't.