When You're Lonely

what now?

I really don’t get you. You are making me so confused all over again and again.  You are so unbelievable i don’t know what to feel anymore. Just tell me what you really think and feel just tell me please . For once , can you at least be honest with me right now?. And i will stop. I will stop thinking about you. I will stop assuming that maybe we could be back together. I will stop feeling this way. I will stop waiting for you. I will stop caring. I will stop. Just tell me. If you don’t think that this will never work out anymore then i will distant myself to you. I will stop bugging you, I will stop calling you, i will stop waiting for you, i will stop thinking about you little by little. It will be hard, fuck it. For sure it will, hell yeah because you were the only girl i have ever loved this way before, ever . I don’t know that even after all this years that have pass, it is still you.Just what the fuck? I still can't figure it all out. I could have loved anyone else . I could have just put my attention to anyone else but hell i can’t because no matter what, it  is still you. My heart and mind can’t just pretend and lie that even i was hurt a lot that i was left hanging that i was cheated and that i'm broken and lost, Part of me is still willing to forgive. Maybe not forget but forgive. And willing to take all the risk just to get you back and tell you how much i still love you that i never stopped loving you but i don’t know now . What now? I can't stop loving you. What now? I don't know what to feel anymore. Except that  I am hurt. I am hurting. I just badly want to run to you, to cry and broke down and tell you how much you hurt  me but i don’t think it matters anymore. Am i fooling myself already?
You have changed. Admit or not. Because Change is the only thing that is constant.

I am sorry for what happened before i was wrong too. I hurted you, i left you hanging, I was a messed. I was a coward. I was stupid and toxic. I was just scared of everything i was too pressured about my life and family. But one thing i am sure of , that  I never stop loving you. My feelings for you never changed.
I was just hurt so much that i even lie and said  that i have moved on and i don’t loved you anymore, that was all a lie. I was just hurt and lost. I felt so betrayed and left out. I just want to scream and scream. Did you know how painful it is to me thinking how you just left me hanging when i needed you the most? But it was more painful to me to see you cry. I hated myself for that.

You know you are my fave person. My bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate. I have never felt so loved before. And suddenly you left, and everything is lost. I lost you. I lost my love, i lost my one and only girl my hopes and dreams, my happiness my confidence. Everything, you took them with you and now i found myself again only for you to took them away from me again. Imagine . Imagine how my life’s a messed and crazily shattered from something to nothing. Please  just tell me honestly you don’t need me back to your life anymore. Just tell me, if we should just end it. Just to tell me if you have someone else already,  and just tell me if it will never work out anymore. Don't leave me hanging again and again. Just ease my pain and stop this distraction. It’s torture and it is making me insane. Please tell me what now?.