Life Unscripted

Moving On

I am now trying to push through life as best I can. I've now restarted my college classes while caring for my young daughter and dealing with life as it comes. At this time when I wake up each morning I have such a hard time. I probably was suffering through anxiety but didn't know it. My daily routine was walk my daughter to the baby sitter, then take the bus to my community college. I did this for a few months until my quarter finished. During this time, my husband's job was becoming very slow. He was barely working twenty hours per week. We made the decision to move to Washington state as he got a job offer that was working on the fishing boats in Alaska but they flew out of Washington. We planned to stay with my husbands uncle in Seattle until we could find our own place.

It took us a few weeks to pack our home up and then we all flew to Seattle. It was very different living in a whole new state. The only good thing was we had money saved to get a new place and we were able to because it was so affordable. I was so thankful for the new connections we made at our new local church. It's good to network!

I became stressed out living with other people with a young baby. My husband was in Seattle for only one week then he headed out on the boat to Alaska. He was going to be contracted out there for 3 months. Fortunately for me I met a couple at the new church I attended with my husbands uncle and family. They had a one bedroom vacancy in the apartment complex they lived in. I moved into our own place with my baby girl for only $400 a month. I was so happy to have our own place. It was close to everything. I was able to walk to the grocery store and church with my baby girl. Things were coming along very good for me until I got a call after one month of being gone my husband was let go from the fishing job and flying back from Alaska.

I was a bit upset because I felt free for a bit just myself and my baby girl. When my husband came back home from Alaska he had to now find a job in Seattle to pay our existing bills along with our rent. We were again under pressure that left us arguing most of the time. I tried to do my part as a house wife. For the next few months I became more involved in my local church. To occupy my time, I joined the church's praise team. It was nice because here was where I found peace. Through singing and worship to God. I was able to release my worries and give it all to Him!

Although I was getting my relationship with God in tact, there was always a little tiny voice I would hear saying I was not worthy of Gods love because of the life that was in my womb that I got rid of. Since I was a stay at home mother, I had a lot of time to think about it and the thoughts consumed me. I began to really seek God in a way I never had before. I was immersed in the Bible studying. I spent a lot of devotion quiet time with God in the early morning hours when everyone in my home was asleep.

I saw my daughter nearing another year in her little life without a sibling. For some reason I yearned to have another child. I asked God once again to please forgive me and if He would allow me with another blessing of a child, I would be forever indebted to Him. I told Him I would dedicate each of my children to Him and we as a family would serve Him wholeheartedly for the rest of our lives. A few months after this prayer to God and really living out my life as obedient as I could to God following His ways, I became pregnant. I was so thankful to the Lord for another chance to have another blessing of a child.

I now was so determined in life to move my life forward. I became very motivated. I tried my best to make my house a home. I was doing my wifely and motherly duties but as much as I tried with my husband to become whole as a family, I would see such a push back from him. I tried to be understanding of his bi polar attitude.

One day we would be ok then we were not! It made it so hard for me to focus on living the right way because I felt like I was being a hypocrite. One day I'd be praising the Lord happy helping people out. Encouraging others to keep the faith. Yet at home when my husband and I would argue, the words that would come out of our mouths were crazy. I wanted nothing more but to break the cycle of disfunction, it really would take me years to do that.