Life Unscripted

The Unknown Is Scary

I was now with all four of my children in San Diego living with my younger adopted brother and his family, my adopted mother and my new boyfriend. I felt relieved but I knew the road ahead of me was going to be long and hard. I knew though that I got that far in life, that I could get through anything with God by my side.

I was now dealing with living with my adopted mother again after so many years apart. That in itself was a bit different. I mean we made amends but there was still that little gray area especially when it came to her now ex husband who had done those things to me when I was a teenager.

I remember hearing that my adopted mother at one time was fooled to believe the reason I ran away was because I was having an affair with her husband. I thought to myself what kind of mother would think this of her own child. Adopted or not she chose to take care of me right!? I remember her confronting me about it at one point asking me to my face was that rumor true? I looked her straight in the eye and told her, I have never in my life even had one thought of ever doing that to her or let alone myself. I was hurt that she would even consider it true knowing her ex husbands track record with the many women he impregnated all at the same time after I ran away. There were so many I lost track. He had like six children from different women who were almost all the same age. So for my adopted mother to even ask me, I was appalled.

Anyhow, I chose at that time to forgive my adopted mother. I knew that she had a lot of resentment built up in her heart and the bitterness was torture to her spirit. I chose to forgive because I was missing out on life with my two adopted brothers now grown with their own wives and kids . In fact my baby brother had went into the Navy and graduated his boot camp I gave up my ticket to go see him graduate to give it to his father which was my adopted mothers husband. Before I even moved back to San Diego, I called my adopted brother to congratulate him on his accomplishments in the Navy. They had just finished the ceremony and I just so happen to call while he was in the hotel room with my adopted mother and her ex husband. My brother told me that someone wanted to speak to me and I asked him who? He said his dad. I was reluctant but I knew the day would come that I'd have to see him or speak to him. I mustard up the courage to speak to him over the phone and he asked me how I was doing and when would I ever come back to San Diego. In my gut I was nervous but I knew I had to have this hard conversation with him. I asked God to help me say what I needed and be done with that chapter. Mind you it had been about twenty years I had not spoken to this man. Well, I answered I was doing great and that I was moving back to San Diego to live with my little brother and for the sake of my brothers I didn't want them to feel awkward when it came time for their kids special days like birthdays, sports games, etc. I wouldn't want them not to invite their dad because I was gonna be there. I swallowed my pride that day and said to my brothers dad that I forgave him for what he did to me but I had not forgotten! I also said because I love my two little brothers, his sons, I would be cordial with him at those family gatherings. As soon as the conversation was over, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that day and also for my two little brothers. They no longer felt that awkward pressure! They knew what happened to me years prior but I always told them that regardless of what happened to me, that man was still their father and they would have to learn to love him, as they only had one dad!

My heart felt somewhat light and the mood at every family gathering there after was light and I never looked back from then on. I closed that chapter in my life and was moving on. Sometimes it's those roots we have to pull out from our heart to allow it to grow strong and healthy and not clogged up with the past!

Not only was I dealing with my own adopted family at that time, I was dealing with a now new relationship with a much younger immature person. He was about ten years younger so you can imagine that things were more difficult and it was a uphill battle with the age difference. The age thing was pretty difficult to maneuver as we really had nothing in common. The worst part was having my kids to adjust to me and my new relationship with another man not their father. I was constantly battling with those emotions of sharing myself with each child and then a new relationship with this man. I tried my best to let my children know that this man would never take the place of their father but he was my boyfriend and they needed to respect that.

I know they did the best they could to respect my wishes. They were always respectful to my new boyfriend but I knew they wanted mommy's attention more than I was giving them. This was the one thing I didn't realize it at the time, but later on in the years with him. If I could have seen how that affected my kids down the line, I would not have continued on with that relationship.

So not only was I dealing with all that I had to now deal with court mediations on child custody and try to be cordial to my kids father. He hated me by this time. He blamed me for leaving the marriage and taking his kids away. He also would be so bi polar with his decisions about helping me financially support the kids. I think he only sent me money one time on his own will to shop for food and clothes for the kids. Then he would make comments about not paying me anything because I moved on with another man and made him look stupid in front of everyone all our mutual friends and his family. I actually didn't see one penny from him for years. The court even ordered him to pay me child support but I never saw any money. After a while I heard that he didn't have a job the legal way so the child support enforcement never would catch him and garnish pay. He knew how to work the system for sure. However I did my best to work long hours to support the kids on his absence. Thankfully at that time, I had my new boyfriends help financially also. I was always grateful to him for helping me financially with kids who weren't his own. That was mostly all he contributed as he thought because my kids were older the discipline part he would let me handle along with everything else pertaining to the kids.

After two years of living in San Diego, on my birthday in 2009 my divorce was final. I was granted full physical and legal custody of all four of my children and also had a court order for child support. I was relieved now that chapter of my life was done. I mean the legality part. I knew having kids I'd have to deal with their father forever. Luckily for me he really wasn't around until my oldest graduated high school so there was a big gap there.

I asked the judges permission to leave the state and move back with my four children to Washington as it was more affordable there. He granted me permission and within weeks we were going back home. It was home to us and we were happy to be going back. We drove the 17 hours to get to Washington and with the help of a dear friend she let us live with her. She had only one rule that if I wasn't married then my boyfriend had to find a different place to live. I agreed with her and he found somewhere else to stay.

A few months into us being in Washington, my boyfriend and I decided to get married. I discussed it with my friend who the kids and I were living with and she gave me some advice that I should have really taken at the time, but I did not, and you'll see what I mean later on in the book. The advise was that I should really be careful of moving on too fast and making a hasty decision on marriage because I had daughters. Also, she told me that I should just focus on raising the kids to the best of my ability.

I later in that month went onto getting married by a pastor in his home surrounded by my kids and friends . I remember that day didn't start off right it started off with an argument with my boyfriend over he didn't have anything nice to wear. It reminded me of the day that I went to Vegas to get married to my kids dad. We also were fighting that morning also. Like this was a sign of bad things to come. We finally got our things together and went to get married. I really thought I was doing the right thing. We got married and all of kids were there. I had some close friends there also as witnesses. I thought ok well the rest of the day is going well. My kids seemed happy. I was far from right.

My now husband moved in with us at my friends home the kids and I were already living with, but there was this really empty feeling I felt on that day. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I continued on with the little dinner reception after we got married. We got home and I looked at all the pictures that were taken. My youngest daughter was the only one in the picture that didn't look quite as happy as my other kids did. I just thought she wasn't feeling well that day and I carried on to the next days ahead.