My Psychiatrist III

Part 3

Oh. My. God.

It's Ashton.

What am I supposed to do? 

'I don't... I don't....' I stumble.

'Shhhh.... it's okay,' he says whilst he grabs my hand. His hand is big; bigger than Lukes. Oh... Luke....

'You don't have to remember,' he smiles, but his eyes remain serious. 

I sigh. 

'I really don't know what to say.'

'You don't need to say anything. Is there.... anything you want to know?' he asks after a while of silence.

I think for a minute or so, laying down between my pillows again. I think again. 

'Ashton.... why did you come here?'

I look at him, his eyes meeting mine before he looks away, to the ground. He seems so uncomfortable. 

'I uh...' he scratches his neck before continueing his sentence. 'I heard that they found you on the 2nd of July. In the US. Your dad told me.' He lets out a deep exhale. 'I couldn't believe it at first,' he says, tears forming in his eyes. Oh god, he wasn't crying, was he? I grab his hand and squeeze it gently. I have no idea who this guy is, but somehow he makes me feel empathic for him. 'I didn't know what to do Tess... the past two months have been so strange and hectic. I have no clue who I am and what I am supposed to do. And now you're here. Like, what the fuck Tess, you're actually here!' A little smile. 

I smile back. 

'Can I ask you something Ash?' 

'Sure thing, go ahead.' He squeezes my hand back before he lets it go and folds his hands together again. 

'So.... uhm... what happened? After I... fell?' 

Ashton bites his bottom lip, clenches his jaw and then licks his lips. His hands are shaking. 'Hey, it's okay,' I whisper, leaning out of bed in his direction. Our faces are about 4 inches apart. I keep eye contact for about three seconds, before leaning back and laying down in my pillows again. 

'It is...' he sighs, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. 'Look... uhm.' A little silence. 'You fell. Over the edge. I was stuck between two rocks with my kayak. I hoped that you were somewhere, in a cave, or on a rock, just in a place I couldn't see you from where I was... I hoped it.... Like, I wished it so much. But deep inside.... deep inside all I could think was ''she's gone and it's your bloody fucking fault Ashton''.' He talks very fast. 'Some people saw me being stucked and called for some firefighters, who were there in like 4 minutes or so. 4 longest minutes of my life Tess...' he says whilst wiping away a tear with his hand. He sniffs. 'So.. the firefighters and cops came. I had to climb over some kind of ladder... and then when I was on shore, they wanted to talk to me and take me to the police station. No one.... no one wanted to listen. No one believed I had lost you Tess.. No one listened.' 

He looks at me, his eyes filled with tears. 'I was so alone....' he whispered, looking at the ground again.

'Come here,' I whisper, opening my arms and sitting up in my bed. 'Come on.'

Ashton stands up and leans in for the hug. His skin is hot and whilst my nose is in the crook of his neck, all I can notice are his muscles and lovely smell. Damn, he smells amazing. He moves away and sits down on his stool again. 

'Thank you,' he whispers, blowing his nose in one of the paper tissues which lay next to my bed. 'I don't want to cry, I've already cried so much.'

'It's okay,' I mumble.  

'Let's continue.. where was I? Oh, yeah, with the police.' He sniffs again. 'So... the cops wanted to take me to their office. I couldn't. I had to find you. So I ran away.'