My Psychiatrist III

Part 15

I can't stop thinking of the convo I had with Ashton earlier today. Even though I'm curled up on the sofa, my head resting on Luke's lap, and his arms safely wrapped around me, my mind keeps drifting off.
I can't help it. I feel like.... missing him, in an odd way.
I don't know.

"Tess, you okay?" Luke asks.
"Yeah yeah, no worries."
Luke shifts in his seat as he looks down at me with an asking face.
"Are you sure babe? Something seems to... uh, bother you."
I let out a sigh and close my eyes for a second. No way I can tell Luke about Ash. It would just confuse his pretty face and making circles in his mind.
"I'll talk about it later, it's okay," I say with a smile, planting a reassuring kiss on his lips. "Don't worry too much, you'll get frowns all over your face."
He smiles back and gives me a quick wink.
"All good."

What isn't good, is that what I would hope would leave - my mind wandering around Ashton - hasn't changed. It has been two weeks since I called with him, and still, I feel like I'm missing him more and more every day. And it clearly bothers me.
Luke is the sweetest, he's so tender and beautiful and has the biggest heart. Clearly like his grandma.
But Ashton... Ashton is different. So appealing, in some kind of way. It's so hard.

I sit down in Luke's bed and drop my head in the pillows. Close my eyes for a second.
Why is this all so hard? When I called with Ashton, it felt like I wasn't true to Luke. But when I'm with Luke, it feels like I want to be with Ashton instead.

A knock on the door.
Luke pops his head around the door and a smile forms on his face.
"There you are, I've been looking for you. Elizabeth has some apple pie, wanna go get some? They're the best."
"I've already tasted them, they truly were the best," I smile back. "But I'm not hungry, thank you."
"Why? You just said they were the best."

I sigh and close my eyes.
"Luke, something is up."
"I figured." He walks towards me and sits down, his hand patting my leg. "Wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know mate. It feels like I can't. Like it ain't possible."
"Elizabeth always told me there is a solution to everything."
I roll my eyes and a small smile escapes my lips.
"Okay. Uhm... can we just sit up for a minute?" I take his hands and we both sit down in crossed-legged position. Luke looks curious and worried at the same time. And he has all right to.
"Luke... let me start off with saying this. And remember, everything of what I'm about to say is true. Okay?"
He nods his head in agreement.
"Luke, listen. You are beautiful. Handsome, very handsome; with your quiff and smile and height, like, you're complete perfection. Really. You're smart, very attentive to your family, such a hard worker, and you never say no. You're so sweet and generous, and probably one of the most, if not thè sweetest person I've ever met. You're such a good person, and... and it feels wrong if I lie to you."
I meet his eyes, them looking into mine with a serious look. His bright light blue eyes still look kind.
"And Luke... I love you. I really do, and.... when I was back in Toronto, all I wanted was to travel to you, as soon as possible. Like, it was the only thing that made me be able to breathe properly. I felt like choking there.
But now.... now that I'm here, I'm...."
"-doubting."
I look at Luke again and bite my lip, hoping I can hold back my tears a little longer. This is hard. Very hard.
"Yeah..." I nod my head. "I am. Because... because truth is, I can't stop thinking about Ashton."
"What about your parents back in Toronto?"
"I don't know... it's like I can't even imagine about how bad it was. It's like I can actually live with the fact they're there. Without problems."
"Hm."
"Look Luke...." and what I didn't want happening, happens. Tears roll down my cheeks and my eyesight blurs. "I am just so sorry... because all I wanted in Toronto was to go to you. But I'm... I'm not sure if this was the right choice."
"Is it all because of Ashton?"
"Yes.. it is. It's like he's the final puzzle piece who réally completes me. What I actually need in life right now. My life... Luke, my life isn't this. Not here. Not in between the cows and green and yellow fields, working on the farm every day."
"You can go and save, and then study somewhere else?"
"Luke... I respect you so much for doing that. But that also isn't me. I.... it feels like I'm not supposed to be here. A 100%."
"So what about Australia? Why aren't you moving back there? Aren't you 18 now anyways?"
"I am. But Oz definitely isn't the option mate, like, I can't remember anyone from there. Hell, people told me I had a dog in Oz, who I was willing to practically die for. And now I can't even remember what she looked like."
"So Toronto is it then?"
"I don't know...." I whisper as I try to dry my tears. "I just feel so guilty Luke. Look at all you've given me. All of you. Without paying a penny. Everything out of pure kindness. I love you all so much, and you the most, but.... I don't know if you and I are.. like... endgame."

"I see."

A silence follows. A long one. Painful. I wish he says something. Just a word. But his eyes don't meet mine. Instead, they look down at his hands. His face looks so dissapointed and hurt.
Fuck, I hurt the sweetest person in the world... how did I even manage to do that?

Suddenly, Luke grabs my arms and pulls me into a massive hug. His face is buried in the crook of my neck as he inhales deeply. My tears just keep coming.
His arms are warm, his chest smells like his beautiful own scent, and his physical touch makes me calm all of a sudden.
"Tess, it's okay baby."
"It is?" I look into his eyes, which are close to mine.
"Yeah. Everything for you. If you're not entirely happy here, all I want for you is to be happy."
"You mean that?"
"Yeah..." he smiles. "Can I..... can I kiss you?"
"Of course, I mumble as I press my lips on his. God, I love him.

Moments later, we stand up, deciding to go downstairs, tell the rest of the family. But when we open Luke's door, two adorable pieces of apple pie stand on his doorstep.

The sweetest family of the world; that is where I am right now.