Loved in Shades (A Jaylor Fanfiction)

Scarlet

Back when we were card sharks, playing games I   thought you were leading me on

One month later; present time
Taylor Swift's POV
Every day, every single day I'm scared. I have a ticking time bomb growing inside of me. Okay, that sounded bad but you know my previous experiences. If you don't remember, they didn't go well.
At this point I'm petrified of everything it feels like. I can barely move, sleep, be an actual human. I feel like if I breathe, I'll hurt this baby somehow. I understand how there's zero logic in that as my baby won't survive if I'm not breathing.
My life has honestly been filled with no logic. How is it logical that you can try and be there for everyone and be just be the best for everyone you love, but nothing good happens to you?

I hear the smallest knock on the door. The person on the other side is afraid. They're afraid to speak to me, they're second guessing they're appearance and why they're here. I sigh, slowly get up and go to the door. I peak through the peephole to make sure it's no one trying to kill me...or Joe. I groan loudly when I see it's Joe.

"Leave, Joe."

"I want to talk to you."

"What are you gonna do? Tell me to get an abortion again?" I snap.

"Taylor...I'm sorry." He says gently.

"For what? There's multiple things for you to apologize for."

"It took two people to end this marriage, but my behavior lately, its been-"

"Awful, terrible, gut wrenching, abusive." I list.

"I get your point. Then when you told me about how you were pregnant again, I was hurt and scared. We suffered so much in the first two, I-I couldn't stand the thought of going through that again."

"And it took you a month to realize this?"

"I know, it just took time for me to actually comprehend it...accept it."  I take a step back and slowly open the door. My eyes look up slowly at him.

"You're actually telling the truth?"

He nods a bit before speaking. "Yeah."

I smile softly." Here, come sit. I-uh, I have a picture of the baby. I keep it on me to keep me from mentally breaking down all the time." I sit down on the couch and show him the picture of the ultrasound.

"So, how old is um-the baby." Joe asks awkwardly.

"In that picture it was a little over 5 weeks. Now I'm uh... about 10 weeks."

"How are you feeling?"

"Scared all of the time. I feel like I can't breathe. I also feel like I'm gonna throw up half the time." I say with small laugh.

"I'm scared too."

"This one is different. It's the first one to have a heartbeat which is a relief." This is one of the most awkward conversations I've had. I think the only one that beats it is that talk from a couple decades ago.

"I really wish I could have heard it. I bet it was great."

"Maybe you can come to the next ultrasound...only if you want to. You can come and hear it if the baby actually has one."

"I would really love to..."

"Do you want anything to drink?" I ask quickly.

"No, no. I'm good. What if everything actually works out? Do we split time or something else?" Joe asks.

"Maybe we can save the conversation for later. It's pretty early...I'm most likely to miscarry in the first trimester and I'm still there."

"Okay sure. Have you told anyone yet? I haven't because I didn't want to tell everyone then, you know..."

"Yeah, I get it. I've pretty much done the same. I've only told you and Selena. She was there when I found out..."

"I can't believe you haven't told your mom yet. You tell her everything."

"The thing is that I'll tell her and she'll get all excited and buy me all this baby stuff again and it'll be a whole mess. She'll tell my dad then my dad will tell my brother and...it's and endless chain." I sigh once again.

"She'll probably be mad at you for not telling her."

"She'll get over it." A small laugh comes from me.

"I miss this. Just talking to you without fighting. I don't remember the last time we did this."

"Me either. It had to be before Joseph II was born or shortly after. The way you would talk to me when I just hidden."

"What happened to us?"

"Something unexplainable. Something horrible. I really don't know."

"I wish I could go back and do things differently." He tells me.

"'Me too."

"Do you think if we did things differently we could have salvaged our relationship?"

I look up for a moment and inhale. "Maybe...I don't know. We went through so much together and I guess when we came out through the other side, we were unhappy with how the other person changed."

Joe nods for a moment. "I should probably leave. Maybe you can just keep me updated on the baby and anything else you feel like that's important to tell me."

"Sure. Sounds great."

"My next doctors appointment is in 10 weeks. I don't remember the date off the top off my head but I'll text you when it gets close."

Joe nods. "Sounds good. I'll see you then." He then walks out the door and shuts it.

I sigh so loudly to where my neighbors could probably hear me. I didn't know one could sigh so loudly. I just feel so relived he's gone and out of my life again. But what also frustrates me is that he's also back in my life. With this baby that means he's going to be back in my life and I'm going to have to deal with that. It seems like we're going to try and get along now but when I look at him all I see it's the pain. I see the suffering we went through and the fights. I don't want to look at someone and feel pain.
I just need to take a step back and breathe. Maybe that will make me feel better...no it doesn't. All I'm thinking of now is our first ever fight about it. The first fight about how everything was dying.

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Author's note:
Look who finally updated. I'm super hungry right now but I was like no, write chapter then food. But I'm on corona vacation I guess now lol.

How bored are you right now?

VERY