Starr Academy: College Life {Part One}

Starr Academy: College Life- Chapter Twenty-seven

Twenty-Seven

My head rested against the tree as I looked up into the swaying branches of the weeping willow. The sun only peeking out from behind the lightly dense cloud cover that stretched across the sky. The cloud brighter that a normal overcast day would have been if the clouds were thicker than they were today. It was one of those rare beautiful cloudy days for a Sunday.

Was Mother Nature trying to tell me that not everything was so bleak right now? That some how it was going to be alright?

Closing my eyes, I couldn't help seeing Ian's face again. The pain and heartache. It tugged at my own heart to know it was there because of me. I caused him to feel that way.

Had he wanted to tell me on his own? To find the time to explain in his own words what had happened that night. To be the one to tell me that he had been the one to take my virginity on Halloween night. Or be the one I gave it to.

Would that have softened the blow to my heart if he had? Yeah, I think it would. To find out from someone else had been a hard blow. As if I was socked in my gut by a rabid boxer on steroids wearing a steel glove. The blow left me dazed and confused.

After two days, I still felt like I had a bruised heart. Just seeing his face behind my closed eyes makes my breathing hard to catch and my eyes burn from the tears wanting release. Why was just thinking about him hurting me so profoundly?

"How long has she been out there?" I took a deep breathe in when I heard Theo's voice. His voice alone almost made me cry again. That deep fatherly voice that whispered across the yard to my ears on a delicate breeze.

It has been too long since I've seen him. Too long since I've gotten to see his daughter or hold her as her godmother. Did he bring his daughter with him, or was she home with her mother? Was I the reason for the unexpected visit? It was the only reason I could think of for him to be here right now. A selfish thought, but one with reason.

"Been out there since she pushed her breakfast aside and walked out there just like she did yesterday." Zander sound just as sad as he had since I woke up yesterday morning.

Yesterday morning I had woke up and just laid in bed with both my brother and Zander holding me tight. My forehead against Zander's cheeks with his hand in mine where they rested in the tiny gap between us. If I had really liked Zander as a woman, it would have made me feel better knowing we were so close together like we had been. But in that moment, I knew that I wasn't in love with him like a woman. I loved him like he was my brother.

I had known for some time that I didn't have those deep feelings for him, but it was then that it became fully real for me. Zander wasn't the guy that I really wanted to be with. Ian had been then, as well as now. Even now, all I wanted was to look Ian in the eyes and forgive him even if I was still hurt about him not telling me sooner about Halloween.

Oh dear stars above, I just wanted to run to him right now and be held. For Ian not to speak a word and just hold me for the time being. But in the same instance, I wanted to turn away from him. To stand my ground and not see him. To keep my distance from him right now because he had hurt me as much as he hurt himself for not saying anything at all.

There was a war of feelings within me that was saying two different things but one thing. One feeling was never being contradicted in my heart or my mind. That I had fallen for Ian. That even now, I couldn't see even a small amount of time passing without him being in my life. After everything he's done and not said, I still wish to see how a future would be with him. Would we really work out, or would we end up not being together?

I turned to the sliding glass door to see Theo coming out and walking over to me. He gave me that sad smile that he does when he knows I'm more than upset. Maybe because Zander told him how little I was eating or that he knows how Ian had been the one I lost my virginity to. Either way, that smile made my tears harder to contain, but I managed to keep them in as he came over and sat down beside me under my tree. The branches shielding us from the world making this our own private world.