In Case You Didn't Know

Chapter 20

Nathaniel

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The layer of frustration-induced angriness has been slowly dissolving into specks of dust as I hold her in my arms, tears running down her face as her small fist clasp the front of my shirt longingly.

Madness chocked me, but the guilt of having blown up on her, of my harsh remarks and disdainful looks, were poisoning my bloodstream until it felt like my skin was burning.

I knew —or at least harbored the idea— that all those years ago when Alexia broke up our relationship, her actions were triggered by a fear of what might happen, that it was the reason she pushed me away. The idea of her doubting if whether our love was enough, pained me, but it was something that I could eventually accept.

This afternoon when she told what had really gone through her mind that night, what had driven her actions... What bothered me then, and the justification of why I was so careless towards her feelings, was the knowledge that she made the conscious decision of tearing us apart, of leaving me. It wasn't because she was scared; not in the way I thought. It wasn't because she stopped loving me; which can happen and is understandable to a certain degree.

No, she knew what she was doing and cared little to share that understanding with me. We spent hours trying to find a solution and the fact that Alexia blindsided me taking one of her own ultimately felt like the biggest betrayal.

My birthday has always been one of my favorite celebrations, even now as an adult. I have no proper, sentimental excuse, except that I like receiving all the attention. Unabashedly. Today, whatsoever, I wasn't able to enjoy any of it after she left. Alright, I did enjoy and overindulged in all the alcohol.

Roger had to physically keep me away from the bar. I was glaring angrily at everyone even my dog, and Michelle kept fuming as she passive-aggressively interacted with me throughout the afternoon. No one dared asking me what had bugged me, but I'm sure it was obvious for some given that Alexia wasn't in sight.

I scolded myself for being a fool, for trying to form a friendship with her. For allowing myself to feel happy in her presence, for wanting to. For attempting to win an already lost battle. But when the cake was placed on the big wooden table and I was forced to stand there while everyone sang happy birthday to me, when the candles faded and she wasn't there to snap ridiculous pictures of me... bile rolled up to my throat and I wanted to smash the goddamned cake against the wall.

But how, exactly, can I find an excuse to keep harboring any of those feelings when she's sobbing against my chest?

"It's okay. It's okay now."

If truth be told, I was no longer feeling much of that when she showed at my door. In fact, I had been pacing the room after having sent her a message, debating if whether I should go see her, or if her lack of response meant that she was over and done with the situation.

When everyone left, and I was left alone with my own thoughts, when the fire had extinguished and the birthday present that she had given me stared back at me bitterly, I realized that...

She was my Alex. She is my Alex; she will always be.

I don't have the time, nor the mental composure, to think what it implies. All that each and every atom in my body is focused on is her, in my arms, all right, and the reassurance that I'll be damned if I ever talk to her like that again. If ever make her cry like that again.

When the small whimpers come to a halt, and her breathing is no longer shaky, I hold her tighter as I lay us on the bed. My heart skips a beat when she snuggles closer, her head resting on my chest.