Heal me - JENLISA

H

I wasn't like this before. I've never been like this deep down. But you have to understand that people change because the people around them force them to change. Ever since I was little, the kids were already judging me. To them, I was weird or even sick. They wondered why no one had ever picked me up and put me in a centre for unstable people. I was a monster without frightening them but on the contrary, they felt superior while they saw me suffering at their feet begging them to stop with their mockery because it hurt me. 

It hurt a lot. 

Like when I lost my mom. It hurt like when my dad put the blame on me. It hurt like everyone was disgusted to have me around. 

However, on rare occasions, I found my own world in which no one dared to come and bother me. Nobody wanted to come close to me so it was not difficult for me to be alone. Like now when I was sitting cross-legged with my canvas painting which was just waiting to be decorated with bright colours. 

Red, yellow, blue, green, orange. 

Beautiful colours. 

At least they kept me alive because I still saw life in a positive way. But it wasn't just the colors that made me feel alive because the children playing around me looked so happy playing with their peers that it was contagious. I couldn't help but adopt the same smile. I wish I knew what it was like to have friends and play ball. I wish I'd been chosen first when the gym teacher asked us to make teams. I wish I'd been complimented on my new shoes. I wish I had been liked by others. 

But I guess sitting in the corner without being bothered was a good start, right?

And then there was this group of girls playing jump rope in the middle of the yard. They all wore skirts with flower patterns. One girl would stand at each end and throw the rope up and down. The game looked good because they were laughing especially when they jumped. Sometimes boys would come and bother them by breaking the chain and that would make my teeth grinding. Why couldn't they go back with their ball and leave the girls alone? 

However, my anger dissipated when I saw this girl who was smiling all the time. She was pretty, the others were pretty too, but she was more pretty. I liked her without knowing her because she seemed nice. Several times I thought of going to talk to her, but I was very shy. I even thought of offering her flowers that I would have picked from my grandparents' meadow. Girls like flowers, that's what mom always told me.

She was now chatting with her friends and ended up laughing with them all. I wonder what they were talking about because it sounded like fun. Suddenly I had an idea. I had found my inspiration as I had been searching for it since the beginning of the break.

I took the black pencil from the ground, raised it up and placed the lead on the canvas. I let my body direct the lines that formed a silhouette. I was going to draw her, because I liked to draw everything that I found beautiful. 

She was beautiful. 

With my head down in my drawing, some shadows were hiding my sight. I regretted lifting my head up because I was facing those children who liked to annoy me. 

"Lisa Manodick is drawing a girl!"

"Stop,"

"Lisa Manodick fell in love for a girl!"

"Stop,"

"My dad said only boys can marry girls!"

"Stop,"

"You're disgusting Manodick!"

"Stop!"

"Faggot hahahaha!"