Devil on the Rooftop [Book 1]

Chapter 83 - Khaleel -

I spent the majority of yesterday sulking in the student council room. Even after my encounter with the lovebirds, I headed back there to think about my feelings. A few days ago, I would have laughed at the thought of going steady with a girl, and yet, somehow I was willing to offer my time and energy to Arisa Hoffman. What the fuck was wrong with me? Was I that desperate to cling onto someone I couldn't have? Was Loyal right? Was it the challenge I was after or something else? I said 'I wanted her' and told her to 'date me' but what the hell did I even mean by that? Who gave up their standings on shit so easily? Maybe Kumar was right. Maybe this was a sign for me to stop pursuing things I couldn't have.

Luckily, the student council wasn't holding any after school meetings. I was able to wallow in my misery for as long as I wanted. I checked in with Kumar's associates a couple of times to see if they made any progress with Dobberman or the intel Carter provided. They had been tailing Neal but the prick hadn't done anything out of the ordinary since his visit to Jackheights. He went to school, hung out with friends, ate at fancy restaurants, worked out at the gym, and then went home.

"What a boring fucker," I scoffed, putting my phone away. I was ready to get some more shut-eye when Matilda Hawkins walked in. She looked irritated, more so than usual, considering how often she ran into me. I stared up at her and waited for her to scold me. It was her specialty, it was what I had become accustomed to.

"Leave before I report you to the dean," she said, keeping the door wide open.

I didn't move a muscle. Matilda moved to the nearest desk and slammed her hands down. I didn't react. "Did you not hear me delinquent? I told you to get out!"

"That fraction of feeling you were talking about this morning," I said. "I think I felt a bit of it today."

"I'm not having this discussion with you," she retorted. "You were asked to join the student council to help out, not to waste our space with your toxic energy."

"Ouch," I commented. "That huts, Matilda."

Her eyes widened.

"What?" I asked. "Why are you so surprised? You asked me to call you by your name."

Matilda cleared her throat. "Get out," she insisted, pretending not to be affected by my words.

"Arisa thinks I'm in love with her," I blurted, sitting up. "Can you believe that shit? She fucken wishes—I don't love anyone, not anyone alive anyways."

Matilda's face was dead-pan.

"My mom," I clarified.

Matilda pursed her lips. "I'm not your therapist, Khaleel but I suggest you look into finding one. You clearly have a lot of issues."

I laughed. "Why? Because my mother is dead? That sort of tragedy isn't exclusive to me, Matilda."

Her eyes shimmered in response to hearing me say her name once again.

"There are a lot of people who have lost their loved ones," I went on. "It doesn't mean I need a therapist, it means I lack emotional depth. Something my father must have forgotten to pass down to me."

"What do you want me to do about it?" Matilda asked, crossing her arms.

I got off the chair and walked around to face her. I didn't dare to touch her—to do anything to cause her any more sadness. If she was feeling what I was a feeling, then I had to be considerate. Just a teeny tiny bit sympathetic. "Comfort me," I said, holding her attention. Matilda stepped back, fear evident in her gaze. Arisa wore that same expression, she was also alarmed before I forced her to kiss me. This time was different. This time, the girl was Matilda. I knew she liked me. I knew she wanted to be with me, and knowing that I wasn't prepared to ask for anything more than her attention.

"Tell me it's going to be okay," I went on, feeling the weight of my heavy chest. "Tell me I'm capable of that fucking L-word."

Tears brewed in her eyes. "Why?" she asked, remaining where she was. "You think you deserve that sort of kindness from someone you not only toyed with but then forgot? You think you've earned it after retrieving your lost brain cells to remember me? After pressuring me into being with you for the wrong reasons? After telling me you confessed to Arisa Hoffman?"

My knees quivered.

"Comfort yourself," Matilda spat.

I forced her around before she could walk away from me. I brought her close to my chest before another person I wanted to keep close to me, tossed me aside. And that's when it happened. I heard Loyal's voice in the back of my head. 'If you liked Arisa then the last thing you would want to do is hurt her.'

"I never wanted to hurt either of you," I said aloud.

Matilda was still as a statue.

"Everything I've said from the beginning wasn't to hurt you, or Arisa," I told her. "It was my truth. It was how I felt. As bad as it was, as bad as it sounded, it was my way of telling you that I wanted—no, that I liked you."

Matilda pushed her hands against my chest and looked up at me. "Is this the part where I give into you?" she asked, tears now streaming down her cheeks. I caught one from falling and grazed her cheeks. "Is this the part where I accept you because Arisa didn't?"

"No," I replied, getting a hold of her shoulders. "This is the part where I apologize for making you feel like the second choice. You're not."

Matilda sniffled.

"You don't owe me anything," I said softly. "And I know it's fucking selfish of me to ask you this, but please don't shut me out. Please. I won't be able to handle it."