From The Eyes of... Everyone?

Entry 1

The hurt and betrayal was loud on my face, as liquid diamonds stung my eyes. His biggest and deepest secret, it was not that of a secret at all. Heartless? He says he knows he loves me, but how could he not feel it? Sure I understand what he was saying, numb and stuck up in space floating and unfeeling. You can tell you are experiencing a feeling, see the signs yet remain unfeeling. So confusing yet it is clear as day. I love him and want to help him but cannot see a way to. How do you help a person who is devoid of feeling, of emotion even? I know he can feel anger and rage, seen it firsthand. I know he can feel love and compassion, I feel it, picked up on it. He hides behind a layer of nothingness and acting. He plays life like a game, adapting and picking up on others feelings yet not truly feeling his own. I feel used, as if I am an amusement, a game to conquer for him. Yet under the hurt I know that is not how it is, I sense that he feels as though nothing is wrong. That all is well in our relationship. A heavy weight has settled on my chest and heart now that I've realized most of our love and intimate moments were more or less fake. I feel cheated of a real relationship, yet I know this is real. This dreamlike haze that had settled over my vision of life has lifted and the burden of knowledge once again settles in place, the forefront of my already borderline insane mind. I can feel myself slipping back into the stupor of my childhood, the insanity that has haunted me my entire life. He had saved me from the unthinkable, or did he? Did I save myself, or did he save me from myself? I know not. I feel not. I am slipping away again, losing my grip on reality. The black tendrils that are created from an intense insanity are enclosing my mind. My sacred place, the one true place I can hide. And even now, as I feel my eyes taking the appearance of a mad mans, I can still question what I am doing; I am still sober to the world around me. Perhaps I can beat these thoughts, perhaps not. His simple reveal has left me shaking in fear of the unknown. No, it has me questioning it; questioning the unknown and known alike. The set knowledge and laws of the universe, I am questioning it all. What is emotion really? Feelings? A cruel trick of the human mind? I know not, I do not know but I wish to. I long, no crave even, to know the answer; to help the one I love most. To show him he can be saved, can feel again. Tragedy will no not of him, hope will. I can only help him if he truly wants to be saved, if he wants to feel again. I need to see the hope in his eyes to know that there really is a chance. A chance that our love is real, that this isn't just a pleasant dream. A chance, that I am capable of really helping someone, not for selfish ways, and not with a sliver tongue. Just one chance, just one hope. I vow I will save him, I will help him feel again, even if it takes forever. I promise you, I will do every single thing possible to restore you... My love...