i don't want to live in a world without you

Chapter 4

The place where they are temporarily staying before they launch their attack on the monastery does not allow for much privacy at all, certainly not the privacy that Byleth needs to be close with her father. As things are right now, the two of them well have to behave like an ordinary family, because anyone could be watching them at any moment. They will not be able to sneak off for long enough to satisfy their desires, because staying away for too long will cause Edelgard to worry that something has happened to them, and Hubert to worry that they were traitors all along.

So they just talk, in hushed voices off to themselves, letting others in on the conversation as they come along, because Byleth is still a teacher to them, even if her title of professor at Garreg Mach has definitely been revoked. Her students are still worried, especially the ones who followed along because of her, and not because of any loyalty to the empire. A lot of them are making very big decisions based on the trust that they hold for their teacher, above anything else, and Byleth has to be there for them, and make sure that they feel secure in their decision even at a time that she hardly feels secure in anything.

The things that she and Jeralt actually want to discuss are things that they don't feel like they can discuss with the others, doubts that they do not want anyone to know that they have, questions that they are not sure anyone is going to answer just yet. Or, at least, Byleth has these doubts and questions, while her father continues to insist that he trusts her enough to follow along with any of her decisions, no matter where those decisions may lead the two of them.

But Byleth still wants to ask him if he really is okay with all of this. He knows that Edelgard is the Flame Emperor now, and knows that Byleth knows this and still chose her side. Does he really believe in her so much that he believes in her gut feeling that Edelgard is not the villain in the situation, regardless of the people that she works with? She almost wants Jeralt to be upset with her, to tell her that she is wrong for her choice, though she can't explain why.

Just the same as how she can't explain why she feels that her choice was right to begin with, even though she is deciding all of that based on the friendship she has built with Edelgard. Edelgard has kept secrets from her the same as Rhea has, so what reason did she have for choosing one over the other? Perhaps if she could get Jeralt to argue it with her, she could uncover her true reason, and at least understand her choice, even if it didn't matter in the end.

Because she knows that, if he were to tell her that she was wrong and decide to leave, she would follow him. Even if it went against her newly formed convictions, she would follow him, because he came long before her convictions, and he is all that she has in the world. She has to protect him, after all, and if he were to leave her and face off from the opposite side of this war, she would not be able to do that.

It's just that she doesn't understand why she chose a side that doesn't feel much like protecting him, and why he won't argue with her, or at the very least, question it.

The people who hurt him may very well be considered their allies now. She has no idea what has happened since the battle with Kronya and Solon, or how many others of their kind there are. She has no idea if Edelgard really meant it when she, as the Flame Emperor, claimed to not agree with some of the things they were doing. But the Edelgard she has gotten to know in school would not agree with those things, and even as she thinks it, she knows that it's useless, because how can she know for sure who the real Edelgard is?

Still, there is something genuine in the way that she thanks Byleth for choosing her, and even Hubert shows her his appreciation, which has to be a first. It is things like that that make her think she is right, and that she does know more of the true Edelgard than most people do. Things like that make her glad that she chose this side, but it is difficult not to wonder and worry about it when she has her students with her, depending on her for answers, putting their lives on the line for this cause because she said that it was the right one.