Freya

6_American Soil & Surprises

The journey to my beloved new country has been nothing but a blur. All I feel is an emotional storm knocking around my heart. The loss, the heartache, sadness in it's every form and more than anything I just want to turn around and go back home. How can I possibly even be happy here? How can I even try to be happy when everything is a lie? And they all tell me to, as if it's the easiest thing in the world like I just flip on a damn switch and it's all roses and confetti.

There can't be anything worse than having to live a lie no matter the reason. Everything is happening so fast that I can't even wrap my mind around it. I was just a sneaky eighteen year old before I got shot and almost died and then someone brought up this crazy idea of me changing identities and running away and here we are.

A part of me truly wishes that I haven't gone out that night, that things didn't have to turn out like this yet again there's only so much wishing can do. Words can't be unsaid and neither can actions be undone so I'll have to pay the consequences one way or the other.

Somewhere along the way, Gracie must have slipped some sleeping pills in the milkshake she forced me to drink because the next thing I feel is someone shaking me awake. " Miss...miss...we have arrived" the flight attendant says. I get up, feeling a little disoriented, my heart heavy that it's all truly happening.

"Where is Gracie?" I ask and before she could reply my godmother is hauling me out of my seat and tackling me into a tight hug, squeezing the breath out of me and mind you she's doing it all in her six inches Louis Vuitton heels.
"Laurie.... sweetie....I'm so happy that you're here and you're safe... you're okay right? I didn't squeeze you too hard?" and there she goes, overreacting.

"Godmother, please not that name again I told you I don't like it and I'm okay stop worrying. I'm happy to see you too, I just wish the circumstances were
different. Where is Gracie by the way? " "Oh she's waiting in the car...she wanted to come and get you after scanning the area but I told her that I'll come get you instead. Laurie is your name dear and I'll always call you that. I haven't seen my baby in a while I was so worried Quilandra. I was worried about the both of you and that  sister of mine needs to learn that she can't always do everything no matter how much she loves you, she can't protect you all on her own " she says, worry clearly etched in her voice.

" I worry too....she shouldn't have to do all these things to protect me you know,
I'd never forgive myself." " She cares about you too much Laurie....she understands the risks that come with being your bodyguard...I think you both just need each other somehow. I'm glad that you're both here with me at least I can guarantee that you'll be safe here "
she says, taking my hand into her own.
But for how long? I wanted to ask.

" Don't think too much, come on let's go before she comes in guns blazing" she says with a laugh. Later as we sit in the car, my head on my godmother's shoulder, my hand in Gracie's I think of how I'm endangering everyone around me, as unintentional and unavoidable as it seems, nothing can ease my guilt, not my fears and if this disguise doesn't work then I guess I'm destined to die.

Waking up in an unfamiliar place does things to you, waking up from a nightmare in an unfamiliar place is even worse. It's only when it all comes back to me do I finally relax. Someone must have brought me to this room, I think to myself, running my hand over the soft deep maroon comforter covering my body. I take in the queen sized bed, the fluffy pillows and white blankets that smell of both vanilla and strawberry, the pastel colours on the walls, the studying table where I'd probably have to spend time doing homework.

There's a large flat screen TV mounted on the wall facing me, a seater by the window overlooking the city, my art supplies in the far corner of my room. I find myself taking a seat by the window, looking down at what is to become my home for who knows how long....it's beautiful I must say that but yet again my heart just can't accept it. Miami is beautiful yes but it's not Madrid....there's nothing for me here except for the constant reminder that I messed up my life.

This room somehow seems to suffocate me, echoing the cold hard truth of my life. On shaky legs, I walk to the ensuite bathroom, every surface white and spotless that I could see my own reflection and yet again I can't bring myself to care at all. I splash my face with cold water countless times, trying to let all the thoughts plaguing my mind to rest.

"Quilandra" I hear Gracie call, " In the bathroom" I quietly say. " It's 2 in the morning in case you're wondering" she says with a small smile. "Furthest thing from my mind actually but thank you for telling me", "You'll be okay sweetie...
you've been struggling and fighting with yourself, the nightmares, the constant fear, the paranoia.... there's nothing worse than the everyday struggles with yourself. If there's anyone who can do this, it's you."

"At this point I don't even know who I am Gracie. Everything is happening so fast that my head is just spinning from trying to understand it all. I feel so suffocated, helpless, frustrated....it's like trying to reach for a lifeline and I just never seem to get a hold of it" I stare at my reflection once more before wiping my face. Gracie says nothing she just stares at me before opening up her arms to me.

What did I do to deserve someone as wonderful as her, someone so warm and fierce, loving yet so stern, a protector and a friend, a sister and a
mother all rolled into one and not to forget she gives the best hugs. " Are you hungry?" and we both burst into laughter. She's the smell of jasmine and
dreamy florals and for now she's enough. With her and godmother here
maybe I can do this.

" No Gracie, I'm not hungry, besides Chema is not here with us and you know nobody can cook better than him" I step away from Gracie in time to see her face turn a little shade
of red and I laugh at her reaction. Chema Luis was one of my bodyguards
back in Spain and he had a weird habit of being in the kitchen cooking up a storm. Surprisingly him and I got along
so well that Gracie often felt a little jealous. Yet again she, well they both seemed to have some sort of feelings for
each other and they both seem to be in denial for whatever reasons.

"I still don't get you both Gracie, it's been
two years now", " Enough now Quilandra, we'll talk about it tomorrow
in fact we have a lot to talk about. You'll
need all the rest you can get" she says while pushing me out of the bathroom.
" I've been sleeping so much and that's all I've been doing ever since we flew out of Spain. I hope you had nothing to do with it Gracie" she just looks at me
with a small look of guilt on her face.
"You were barely sleeping and you need
it. Now shut your eyes and go back to Dreamland." Switching of my bedside lamp and a kiss on my forehead she goes out of my room leaving me alone  with my thoughts once again.

Let's just say I never went back to sleep that night.