Sehun Fluffs

Not good enough

Sehun doesn't know about this little habit I've recently acquired whenever he's not around. I lurk on the Internet and search for his name on SNS, fawning over pretty fan edits or fancams of him. I know, it's pretty weird, given that I live with the guy of my dreams. 

It's just that he has such a startling, contrasting persona on stage: so cold and venomous, compared to his soft and affectionate side at home. I smiled a little as I looked at X-Sehun from one of his biggest fanpage, and decided to scroll through the comments to see what the erigoms think about the scary image of him. 

@sehunismydream: "Woahhhhh, so scary and hot at the same time!"

@sh_anya: "Damnnn... X-Sehun looks like he's a monster in between the sheets, imagine him screwing Y/N's brains out.

I felt sick to the stomach as soon as I saw the comments, but the reply thread under that was too alluring for me not to continue reading.

@yyy.ashf: "Y/N is not even a good partner for him... She looks so chubby, I don't even know why he chose her when he could've gone for many other female idols out there, waiting for him."

@selisa_ : "IKRRRRR, Lisa is so much prettier and skinnier than that bitch."

I couldn't stomach it anymore, and clicked off my phone. I spent the next 15 minutes bent over the sink, trying to hold back the tears and release the disgusting bile building up in my throat. I could've stayed there for the whole day if it wasn't for Sehun, coming back from his drama shooting.

"Jagiyaaaaaa~" Sehun's deep voice rang out, and I immediately rushed out of the toilet to greet him. He placed the Chinese takeaway meant for our dinner, and gave me a warm embrace and a wet kiss. 

"Hey there, how's my girl been?" Sehun smiled down at me, and I gave him my best smile, topped with crescent eyes. He seemed happy to see me so happy, and for now, that's enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Sehun's done with a quick shower,  I reheated the food and we dug in, although the last thing I had right now was an appetite. I idly picked at my chicken chow mein, while Sehun practically slurped up his serving, and downed it down with wanton soup.

Sehun arched his eyebrow at me, and dropped a piece of fried dumpling on my plate. "Eat up, yeobo. What's wrong？I thought chicken chow mein was your favourite?" 

I smiled weakly and took a small bite out of my meal, in front of the concerned eyes of Sehun.  I don't think I could keep up with the pretense anymore, so I shoved the plate of chow mein further away from me, eyeing its greasy base with disgust and fear. 

"Sehun, I don't think I'm that hungry today." 

"You literally told me you were starving and told me to come back ASAP with dinner." Sehun narrowed his eyes at me, and countinued: "You're not telling me something, Y/N. What is it?"

I hate it when he does this to me, when he knows me so well he knows that I'm not feeling myself. "Sehun, could you not today?" I snapped, out of the insecurity that I've been caught red-handed by the hawk-eyed Sehun. "I just don't think I should eat that much anymore. I'm going on a diet starting from tonight."

"For what reason?" Sehun snapped back, although you could tell that he was more taken back than furious with me. 

"It's none of your business." I stood up and walked towards the bathroom, trying to get away from his inquisition, which would ultimately lead to my breakdown. He reacted faster than I could scurry away like a coward, and turned me around, wrapping his arms around my waist softly.

"You've been reading comments again, haven't you?" Sehun caressed my soft cheek with his calloused thumb while cradling my face against his big palm. I broke down under his uncanny accuracy. He's always so sensitive and caring like that, knowing me better than myself sometimes.

"Sehun, I don't think I deserve you." I choked back on tears, and faced him properly for the first time tonight. My handsome boyfriend. I've always told myself that he's too good to be true, and it's true. He's too perfect, too amazing to be mine. "I'm not good enough for you, Sehun."

I burrowed myself against his chest and let my tears wet his grey hoodie, not because I'm not ready to let go, because I want to savour this feeling one last time. I kept murmuring: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" repeatedly. Sorry for what, I'm not exactly sure. All I'm sure of is that I've wronged the entire universe. I'm not supposed to have him, he's not supposed to be mine.

Sehun didn't say a word, he only dragged us to the couch, where he sat us down and let me drench his hoodie as he ran his fingers down my hair. He didn't say a word as he waits patiently for me to calm down from my full-blown, gut-wrenching sobs radiating from the deepest part of me.

I've kept this part of insecurity in me for way too long, and now it's finally released. Every bit of comments I've read, and pretended to brush off and like it didn't affect me. Every doubt I had of myself coming out to consume me now. It's too much. 

Sehun kept cradling me against him, only making soothing "shhhh" sounds with his mouth, and rocking me back and forth. After my hiccups subsided, he finally began.

"Y/N, I know how hard this must've been for you, to date an idol. I've felt unfair and sorry for you for having to deal with this, for having no idea this toll it'll take on your mental health. I know that you torment yourself by reading stupid hate comments directed towards you, and you always agree with them, thinking that you're ugly, unworthy, and don't deserve me. Y/N-ah, it's me that doesn't deserve such a beautiful, tolerant and patient girlfriend like you. And I need you to answer me something."

Sehun paused and lifted my chin so that I'm facing him: "Have any of those commentors ever met you? Do they know you personally and how you are? Do they have any qualifications or position, in any way, to comment about us? About your relationship? About you?"

I bit back tears from falling again, and shook my head firmly. Sehun continued.

"Have I met you? Do I know you?" Sehun answered himself almost immediately: "Yes, I've met the most amazing person in my life. Yes, I know every little thing about her because I love her to bits, and hate how she sees all the fault in herself, and only the faults. You're too good for me, Y/N. And every single day I ask myself what I did to deserve you when I wake up to you beside me in the morning. Every single day I wonder what's wrong with this twisted world and the way they treat my favourite person. Every. Single. Day. I'm loving you so, so much, and it hurts me that you don't see that."

Sehun pressed his lips against mine, and I subconsciously responded, like it's a natural reflex. Instantly, I melted into his arms, and my trembling body felt at peace once again.

"I love you, Y/N. And no one should be able to get between us. I won't ever let them." Sehun wrapped his arms around me tighter. "I'm not giving up on us, promise me you won't give up on us either." He's whispering now, and I sensed a bit of fear in his voice. 

"I promise." I whispered back. Yes, it's us against the world. But I realized that with him by my side, I'll be okay.

We'll be okay.