The Imperishable Flame⎪✓

❨40❩

♀︎

"Hi, dad," I whisper, my voice carries through the cold air and I hug myself as a distraction from the wind. Sitting down next to his tombstone, I tilt my head to the sky and accept the darkening of the night. Heavy clouds form from the above and some part of me hopes for the rain to wash my pain away. I need a revelation, need something to hold onto.

"I'm sorry I haven't visited," I say and keep my gaze away from his name written on stone, it hurts me more than I'd like to admit. "College has been a challenge, it really has. I've gotten a lot of new knowledge, some new friends, gotten to know some parts of myself, even the parts that I hate."

'I don't want you to hate anything about yourself, baby'

His words carry through the soft wind that caresses my saddened features, this is what I know he would've told me. His ever so amazing heart would have ensured that I love every part of myself, even the elements that make it difficult for me to breathe right now. I grip a fistful of gravel underneath my hands and clench my eyes tightly, not wanting to choke up.

"I visited our old house today," My voice is hoarse and heavy with emotion. "A new family lives there now, they even painted the fence, now it's a cream white, not the blue fence we had. I saw the daughter and dad in the front yard playing with a football and it made me quite sad. Not in a hurtful sad, but in a reminiscent saddened way. I just wish we could've had more of those moments together, you know?"

Taking a deep breath and allowing myself to swallow the guilt of not visiting Hetdale. Dad wouldn't have wanted me to feel responsible for anything, but I can't let go of the nagging and heavy guilt covering my heart. "I think coming back here is the best thing for me, it's the best thing for my mind. This year has been too hard on trying to find me, who I am and what I want, but in the midst of all of that, I forgot to have myself nearest to my heart. Hetdale will allow me to breathe and figure it out. No one expects me to have a degree in anything, I've admitted to myself that the pressure of society to go to college played a piece in me ending up there."

"You probably don't want to hear this," I smile and shake my head. "I met a guy in Barnsley, you even know him. Elijah Black."

Not knowing what to tell him nor how to feel about it, I try to collect my thoughts before speaking up about it. "I guess he became an important person in my life in a short amount of time, you even liked him and I keep thinking back to that day where you first met him. The two of you were so great together and I fucking wish you could've been here right now."

'Keep me in your heart and I'll always be right next to you, Kota'

Smiling as tears fall from my reddened eyes, "That's what you told me that one day at home and I can't forget those words, they are etched into my mind and I love it. That is one piece of you that will never leave me, your voice is engraved in my mind and helps me on the hard days. It's all I need."

Drifting my gaze to the black tombstone with gold letters:

'In loving memory of
Zach Moore
A devoted father and beloved husband
He will forever be missed'

"Oh fuck, dad. I'm so sorry I left you like this, you deserve so much more and I promise to stay from now on. Hetdale is such a deep part of me and I feel at home here, this is where I'm supposed to be, there is no doubt in my mind," Tears fall freely down my saddened face, I allow them.

"Dakota?" A frail voice suddenly speaks from a distance.

I look up and meet the eyes of the florist in town, Mrs. Valentine, she hurries in my direction and sits down right next to me. Her weakened body struggles and I help her, not wanting to interfere with her wishes.

Smiling at her through the tears, "It's so good to see you, Mrs. Valentine."

"You too, dear," She smiles and grabs my hand in her slim one. "How are you holding up? I haven't seen you in ages, is it college you went off to?"

Nodding, "I got a degree in Business and now I'm moving back to Hetdale, can't really stay away from home for much longer."

"You got a Business degree, I hear?" She nods her head at me with a smile. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart."

My heart fills with a painful sense of pride, like a longing for someone to feel proud of me. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Valentine. How is the florist shop holding up?"

She smiles sadly, "My husband passed away a couple of months ago and I'm too old to keep it running. I have had it for sale in a year or so, but none of the people here in Hetdale wants to buy it from me. Are you still interested in flowers? I remember you visiting my shop almost every day only to stare at the pretty flowers."

"I'm so sorry to hear about Mr. Valentine," I say with a saddened shake of my head, she brushes me off and squeezes my hand lightly informing me of cancer that ate away at him. Cancer will always be the ruining of families all over the earth, someday the world will advance enough to cure it.

"Please don't be sorry, he wished for death and found peace within. He and I were wondering if you still are into flowers? Mostly me, but I'm sure he would've been curious as well," There is a teasing glint in her eyes and I swell in the enjoyment by her words.

"Are you implying what I think you are?" I ask with a small grin on my face, it feels wrong to have this sense of happiness in front of my dad's tombstone, but he gets to witness her when she nods her head at my words and smiles.

"Will you run the florist shop? Would you be willing to carry on my legacy, dear? I trust you more than anyone else."

Choking up I throw my arms around her frail body and she laughs when she returns the hug, "Of course, thank you!"

'As I sit in heaven

And watch you every day

I try to let you know with signs

I never went away

I hear you when you're laughing

And watch you as you sleep

I even place my arms around you

To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away

Begging to have me home

So I try to send you signs

So you know you are not alone

Don't feel guilty that you have

Life that was denied to me

Heaven is truly beautiful

Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again

Enjoy yourself, be free

Then I know with every breath you take

You'll be taking one for me...'