Graceless

Deux

-EDITED 19/10/15- 14/05/16

   II

The door clicked shut behind me, I didn't even know how to make sense of things. How to make sense of anything.

I took off my sweater and ran my fingers over my bumpy hand and shuddered. How easily can I relapse? It's been six months, I won't relapse. Just this once. Just this once to be sure that I can still feel. That I'm still alive. Hold my breath and close my eyes. One. Count. Two. To ten. Three. She said Four. When I. Five. Get to. Six. Ten. Seven. I'll Eight. Be. Nine. Over. Ten. It.

Over it? Nope, I never was. I only stopped because Dr. Greene had this faint look of disappointment in her eyes every time I would through her door and not speak. Every time I walked through the door with an arm wrapped in gauzy armour. The least I could do was stop. Or pause. But, this new doctor...

I didn't owe him a thing. I didn't feel like owing him anything, I just wanted to not do anything. I was so tired.

My hands were moving and my legs stuck to the ground but my mind seemed to have lost its gravitational pull. Maybe something else was pulling it. Tugging at it roughly. Cut me. Cut me. It was probably cooing. It didn't matter, it didn't last. Nothing ever lasted, what's the point of doing things? In a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years what you said, did, wrote, sang or discovered would have been for nothing. Just an insignificant speck of star dust on the rug of a milky way.

I shuddered and my mind seemed to slip back to earth. It was so cold but I didn't really feel it. I couldn't really feel it. I couldn't really feel. I couldn't feel anything. The only thing I could feel was the loneliness. The churning of my stomach when I turn off the lights, It felt as though he was watching me from behind my book shelf or below my bed or even in the closet, waiting to jump out and grab me by the neck. To grab me by my hair and drag me back hell. It didn't happen. It never happened. I will never happen. But it could. I hesitated in the darkness biting my lip fearing to take a step forward. My hands grazed over the smooth, cool wall feeling for the light switch.

My stomach was dropping so quickly before the bright light caused me to squint my eyes and sigh.

I wasn't hungry but I headed for the kitchen, lifeless. It felt like someone was living my life for me. Like God felt bad for me after six years of torture, made a deal with my soul before I was born. "If you get this one out alive you can just sit back and I'll control the body for you."

I was in an almost petrified state of slumber. Not speaking or eating for three months.

I wasn't eighteen yet. I was so close. The judge sent me to live with my distant aunt in Canada. She forced me to go to the shrink, to eat... To speak but not to speak. I didn't interact to the shrink and I just heaved over the toilet because the food felt heavy in me. I felt heavy in me.

Pancakes. But it's midday Grace.

I felt the heat from the stove on my hands and blinked slowly. A flash of his face holding a hot iron was all I saw. I felt sick to my stomach and finally took control of this train wreck of life.

Just this once Grace.

I turned off the stove and the lights. I left the blinds closed and I walked out the door before locking it behind me.

A/N

Sorry if it's short but I just needed to get something up and also it felt sort or right to end it there, hope you like this story so far :)