Graceless

Dix

-EDITED 19/10/15-14/05/16

   
X

"How'd you do it?" I set my paint brush in the glass of water with the others and looked up at Lena.

Lena, who was so strong and sweet and beautiful. Lena, who went through way worse than I did but was sitting next to me on a tiny bench in an art supply store with a tireless grin on her face. I envied her at first; how could someone get over something like that? She had been in that situation almost her entire life, I merely touched three years.

"Do what?" She smiled brightly at me and looked at the canvas in front of me, "That's gorgeous Gracie."

"How do you just go on like nothing happened? How do you smile so brightly?" I sighed and averted my eyes and focused on the black line running through the canvas, "How do you even try?"

She was quiet for a second. I felt guilty for ambushing her like that, I shouldn't have brought that up; it's too personal a topic. The black line resembled a melody I once knew, a lullaby. It started thick and heavy at first, sharp edges and little space to breathe then gradually it grew lighter, thinner. It moved into a series of complicated turns, curls and knots until it was a light grey line that went flat for a few centimetres. Then it was nothing.

"I forgive myself," she breathed and my eyes darted to her face, determined to catch her eye but they were planted on the black line, "Every day, I wake up and forgive myself."

I opened my mouth slightly to question her further but the light chime at the front door caused this entire moment to crumble, fragile as it already was. Lena's eyes snapped to the woman making her way to the counter and a smile painted its way onto her face. I looked at the line again. What are you?

•

The brilliant blue of the sky blurred over head as I pressed my palms into the grass tensely.

"Why are we out here again?" I closed my eyes and focused on the hum of sunlight bathing me.

"I don't go outside," he responded lightly and I felt a soft gust of wind near my face in sync with the quiet thud of him body dropping to the earth, "Plus it's almost been a week since we've last seen each other. Don't you miss me?"

"Not really," I lied and my eyelids fluttered lightly.

"You don't mean that," I felt his breath on my ear and I tried to focus on the red light behind my eyelids, the light breeze, the heat; something. I could feel his breathing slow and it calmed me a bit.

"Are you okay, Grace?"

"Currently," I smiled and took a steadying breath.

I felt his finger making odd shapes on my arm—it reminded me of the line. I squeezed my eyelids tighter.

"You know the phrase 'Mondays suck'?" I released the tension in my entire body with that simple breath of words, "Well I took it to an entire new level. Mondays made me anxious. Mondays were my anniversary dates with... with uncle M-Michael. He called them 'Michael Mondays', how clever? He'd say that since Monday was our anniversary he'd take it easy on me, I never trusted him. Not after what happened on my first night there."

Knox was no longer making circles on my hand but gripping tight like if it was his last strand of sanity. I smiled a small sad expression and breathed slowly. I felt like if I was about to choke on the words again when I felt his grip loosen.

"I was so happy to be leaving the orphanage to go to a home of a relative. He was my father's cousin; the only relative I had in the area. I've never met him before that day but I've seen him around at weddings and funerals—the one time you actually see family members. I always thought he was quiet and nice, he was young—late-twenties at best. I thought it was pretty cool that he was young, that he'd be like an older brother of sorts. That he'd look out for me and protect me. I remember the first night I spent at his house, I felt guilty because I was not mourning my parents, because I didn't cry. I was trying so hard to cry.

"He was walking past the room—the door was ajar and I could see the sliver of his shadow peeping through the frame. H-he," my breath caught and my warm cheeks grew cold as a gust of wind cooled the hot tears.

"Grace..." Knox said carefully, "You don't have to do—

"He walked in and asked me if I wanted him to teach me how to cry. I was so young and naïve! So, so stupid," I pressed my palms to my forehead, "Maybe if I had closed the door. If I had closed the door and locked it and gone to sleep it wouldn't have happened! Maybe... Maybe if-if..."

My breathing has all over the place and I tried not to sob. I willed myself not to sob.

"You need to forgive yourself Grace," his cool fingers pressed gently against my face and attempted to wipe it dry, "Forgive yourself for thinking it was you."

I lifted my heavy eyelids apart and was stunned by the blemish free blue above me when his figure came into focus hovering over me, he was a shadow and I couldn't find his eyes. The line flashed through my mind and I understood now. I understood Lena.

I understood the line, it was me. I somewhere in the shades of grey; the unravelling bit, the looser curls. I'm almost to the end.

Almost.

—

A/N

It's been about a month since I last updated :s but here's another c: that song, 'Smother' by Daughter is actually what motivated me to write this chapter c: Thank you so much for reading ♥ Let me know what you think of Grace's story so far.

xo,

Fleur