A Girl with Pursuits

Chapter Five: Unthinkable

Noah and I were on the way to my mothers house. My stomach was in knots, I don't think I've ever felt so sick in my entire life. I kept thinking about what I would say to her. What I wanted to tell her. After about 30 minutes, we arrived at her house. She lived in a gated community now, which was very shocking when I had first found this out. It was on the outskirts of LA, but the community seemed to be more of a retirement community. She lived in a two story condo by herself now-- again, very shocking in comparison to what I grew up in. Noah pulled into a parking space located directly in front of her house. We both got out and made our way up to the painted navy door. I rang the doorbell, but after 30 seconds or so, there was no answer. I rang again, no answer. Luckily, my mother is very predictable, she always made sure to keep a spare key somewhere outside. I looked into a potted plant next to her door, and sure enough, a bright brass key was poking out of the soil. Very typical of my mother-- hiding the key in the pot not under. I quickly unlocked the front door and called out for my mother. Still no answer. 

Noah and I then walked in, his hand intertwined with mine. He smiled at me as I let out a nervous breath. "Everything is going to be okay, " he reassured. I smiled at him and we began scanning our surroundings. We checked both the living room and kitchen, yet my mother was no where to be found. "Maybe she's not here?" Noah questioned.

"No, she's here. Her car was outside."

"Maybe a friend picked her up?"

I scoffed, "Yeah, my mother has friends." I continued to call out to her, but there was still no response. Noah and I became a little impatient, we decided to make our way upstairs and scope out the area. If she wasn't there, I would just leave her a note telling her we stopped by. We made our way upstairs. As we got closer to her room, I saw her spare room was filled with boxes, boxes that all had my name on them. They read: 'Adeline's baby clothes,' 'Adeline picture day's,' 'Adeline's books'... Noah and I stared at the mountain of boxes and walked into the bedroom. I began opening the boxes, reluctantly. To my surprise, my mother had kept many things from my childhood. One box in particular caught my attention, "Adeline Christmas'. I opened the box entitled and was surprised to see old pictures of me sitting under our little three foot Christmas tree. I was so happy in these pictures, when I think about my childhood, I don't remember being this happy. 

Noah looked at me, smiling, "Wow. She saved all of these. Do you see Adeline? She cares about you."

I smiled at him and continued to look through the room of boxes. I pulled out all sorts of things from old baby clothes to an old comforter set. We probably spent about half an hour in there just looking through these old boxes. We had lost track of time, then we remembered why we came. I sighed, "I guess we should get going." Noah nodded in agreement. We made our way out of the spare bedroom, and I looked over to my left, remembering that we hadn't checked my moms room yet. "I'm just gonna check her room, real quick," I said.

"Yeah for sure," Noah replied. He stayed behind, watching me go in to scope out my mom's bedroom. As I grabbed a hold of the brass doorknob and twisted the door open I said, "Mom, you in-". My sentence was cut short based on the gruesome display I saw on her bedroom floor. Laying there was my mothers lifeless body, blood pooled underneath her. She was pale, so very pale. I stood there for a moment, shell shocked, then I began screaming. No words, just ear-deafening screams. Noah rushed over to me in an instant to see what was wrong.

"Babe, what--Oh my gosh," he gasped. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," he was shaking his head repeating these words over and over again, gripping the hair on his head tightly as he panicked. I began hyperventilating, sobbing, gasping for air. The cries coming from me grew louder and louder and were guttural. My mother was dead, on her bedroom floor, laying right in front of me. Through the tears, I caught sight of what was in my mother's hand. A gun. When I saw it, I gasped even louder and realized what she had done to herself. I threw myself at her side. Somehow, the tears flowed faster and the cries turned into loud, agonizing screams. Noah stood by the doorway, hands still in his hair, tears streaming down his face. He reached into his pocket and dialed 9-1-1. His face contorted as he watched me crying over my mother's body. "Um there's been an accident. A really bad accident," he said shaky. "Suicide." When he said the word I wailed even louder. "It's, uh, it's 1467 E. Ridgeway Place. Thank you." He hung up the phone and stood there, hanging his head low as we both cried. Soon, the first responders had arrived. They were upstairs within seconds. Noah backed out of the way and let them through, me on the other hand, I was pried away from my mother's cold body. I kicked and screamed and cried as firefighters removed me from the scene. 

Noah broke through the group of people and scooped me from the men. I pounded against his chest vigorously, not opening my eyes to see who had taken me now. "Hey! Adeline! It's me, stop it's me!" he said. 

"Noah?" I cried. When I realized it was him, I gripped onto him so tightly, afraid that if I didn't, I would lose him forever. 

"You're okay," he murmered. "I'm here. I'm here."  I melted into his arms, his own soft, subtle sobs  drowned out by my enormous roars and cries. 'My mom is dead. My mom is dead.' I kept replaying those words in my head.

After what seemed like a lifetime, I finally realized that I had ended up outside on the lawn with Noah. I looked up from his protective arms which were guarding me to see the paramedics hoisting my mother's body into the ambulance. In that instant, the tears stopped and I went completely silent as I watched the ambulance speed off. All that was left were the uncontrollable convulsions of my body. I stood there staring for a long while. Face sticky, wet, and hot. Noah tried to comfort me, but there was only so much he could do or say. It was useless. I looked up at him and he looked back at me, pushing the hair which was stuck to my face back behind my ear. "Please, don't leave me," I whispered.

"I'm never going to leave you, I promise you that," he replied. He kissed the top of my head and laid my head on to his shoulder. We sat there on the lawn until a police officer came out and talked to us.

"Miss Scott, my condolences," he took of his hat as he said this. "I would just like to inform you that your mother has arrived at the hospital. Now, have you taken into any consideration what you would like to do from this point forward?" Officer Miles said. I shook my head in disbelief. 

"I don't know," in a voice too weak that I'm not sure he was able to hear.

"No rush. Also, just so you know, while we were checking your mother's room, we found a letter," he handed it to me and I wearily accepted it, my hands shaking as I took it from him. "Again, sorry for your loss Miss Scott."