A Girl with Pursuits

Chapter Seventeen: Not the Plan

This was never my plan. I had a life to live. A full, happy life. With my best friend and partner in crime. Not that children weren't in the plan; I always dreamt of having a family, especially with Noah, but I wasn't ready for a child. At least not now. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't the plan. I couldn't stop repeating this in my head.

"Adeline?" Noah questioned. He squeezed my hand and I realized I hadn't been looking at him. I was frozen in place staring at the wall near the door. My eyes wide open and bewildered. I slowly turned my head back towards him, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. My expression didn't change either. Noah looked at me with a pained expression. He completely understood what I was feeling despite the lack of communication. He took another deep breath, hung his head, and uttered a heart wrenching, "I'm so so sorry." As soon as he said the words, the steaming, hot tears rolled down my face. Those tears then turned into sobs, painful, painful sobs. He looked up, face red, with tears swelling in his own eyes. I reached my arms out to him to hold me and he did just that. He climbed in the small hospital bed and wrapped me around him so tightly, it seemed to resemble a child holding on to their teddy bear. I didn't know what time it was, and honestly I wasn't keeping track, but we laid there for a very long time-- me sobbing and Noah holding me and petting my hair.

We got back home around 9:30 P.M. and I was so physically and emotionally drained by the day's events that it hurt to even stand. As we walked back into the apartment, Noah closed the door behind me and led me to the bedroom. I quickly put on an old t-shirt and shorts and crawled into bed, clutching a spare pillow to my waist. My face was sticky from the tears shed earlier but I didn't have the energy or willpower to get out of bed and wash up. I just laid there, cradling the pillow, staring out the window, looking over L.A's skyline. I heard the shower start and thought 'Good for Noah'. As I looked upon downtown Los Angeles, I kept thinking about the dream with my mom. "Honey, don't cry," she had said. How can I not? I feel like my life is over before I even started it. I'm 22 with a child on the way and no way to afford rent and a baby and be financially comfortable. Moreover, I just didn't want a child right now. The responsibility was too big and I knew that I wanted time to spend with Noah, just the two of us. I wanted to be newlywed's for a while, enjoying traveling and spontaneity. Well, the irony is, a surprise pregnancy is pretty spontaneous. Fucking joy. I was at a crossroads in my life. I kept weighing the pros and cons over and over in my head--the cons far outweighed the pros. Taking care of a baby would also take a toll on my career path. Does the interview today even matter if 8 months from now I'd be on maternity leave? This thought brought on a gut wrenching pain. I clutched the pillow even tighter and buried my head into the mattress.

I hadn't realized that I had fallen asleep until I felt Noah slide into bed right next me. This night was different though. Instead of holding me like he did most nights, he faced away from me, his back against mine. Perhaps he took my fetal position as a sign to not bother me, but I craved his touch, his warmth. I wanted nothing more than to be held by the person I loved most. Unfortunately, my hormones were at an alltime high, and the floodgates opened up again. I quietly sniffled muffled cries into the clutched pillow, trying not to wake the sleeping angel next to me. That was short lived. Almost instantaneously, Noah had turned over and pulled me close his front. He whispered a panicked "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I just missed you," I murmured back to him. He held me even tighter and kissed my cheek.

"I'll always be right here," he replied. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

"I love you too," I said. The tears didn't stop running but the cries did. Soon enough, I slipped back into sleep, awaiting to wake up from whatever today was.