London is For Lovers

7.

Song: Perfect by Emma Blackery

I wake up due to extremely loud noises from above. Sex noises. "Oh come on seriously!?", I whisper to myself and look at the clock. 8am. For fucks sake I'm gonna look bad today if I don't fall back asleep.

I close my eyes and try my hardest to sleep but it doesn't work. I sigh, suddenly wanting to drink tea. So I get up and make myself a tea. Then I crawl back into my bed and turn the TV on. I don't focus on what I'm watching. I'm thinking about Josh. About if that's gonna be a date. A guy asking me for a date would be hella weird because look at me. I am far from pretty. Really ugly indeed.
I have ugly pale skin and my black hair hasn't had a haircut in years. It's just a curly, wavy mess to be honest. My stomach is way too fat. My eyes are just a boring grey. They don't even have those tiny sparks in them that everyone loves. My ears look really weird as well. My arms are chubby. And full of cuts.

I shouldn't keep my hopes that high. Josh is flawless. And then there's me. I have so many flaws. There are more flaws than good things about me. Who would want to keep up with me? No one. No one ever did. They all left me when they found out about my flaws and I can understand every single one of them. Including my dad.

I suddenly begin to cry. All of the memories come back to. All the reasons I hate myself are screaming inside my head. I run to the bathroom and grab my blade once again. "You are so weak, Madison. Pathetic". If I was at home right now, I would probably take some sleeping pills right now. They are like my drugs. But I wouldn't attempt. I feel like I've become important to Dan and Phil and I don't want to disappoint them.

Then I throw the blade to my arm. Thepain. Iloveit.
*knockknock*

I hear someone knocking at my door. Fuck. I throw the blades and tissues in my bathtub and roll my sleeves down. Then I wipe my tears away and check if my makeup is still on point. "Madison are you awake?", Dan shouts and knocks again. I run towards the door and open it. "Hi', I smile weakly. "Thank god you're awake! Phil is still asleep. I don't understand how he can sleep while the people one floor above have their morning ritual. I fake a smile and step aside so Dan can come in. He sits down on my bed. Then he stares at me. "You've been crying. Why?". "I haven't been crying". He laughs. "You can't deny that. Your eyes are all red and your cheeks are slightly red". I blush. "It's nothing". "Tell me?". "No. It's just the usual depressed stuff. Unimportant trust me, Dan". He sighs and I think he's giving up. Thank god. Dan stands up and says: "I'm gonna go use the bathroom, be right back". "No!", I literally scream in his face, remembering all the blood in the bathtub. "Why?". "T-there's.. A lot of underwear lying around that I don't want you to see..?", I mumble. "Haha funny, Madison". Dan walks into the bathroom. I turn around and begin to run towards my bedroom. But Dan's too fast and grabs my wrist. I'm expecting a paragraph on how he's disappointed and how I am sick. Instead he wraps his arms around me. "Why do you do that to yourself. You are SO beautiful", he whispers in my ear giving me goosebumps. "I-I'm not. Memories were coming back to me. I'm sorry Dan. I'm such a failure. Sorry to disappoint you I-". He cuts me off with a kiss. On the lips.

The kiss lasts like 20 seconds before pulls away. "Is that proof enough?". He stares into my eyes and I don't know what to say. I just nod. He smiles. "I know you're going on a date with Mr. Franceschi today and everything I just wanted you to know that I really mean what I say. You're amazing, Madison. You really are". I smile and hug him. "Thank you", I whisper.

But now I feel like I kinda break his heart with Josh. I really love Dan, but not thatway, you know.

We sit and talk for another two hours. "I'm gonna see if Phil's awake. Have fun with Josh today. Not too much though". He laughs as I throw a pillow at his face. "Bye cutayyy".