indigo | moxiety | sanders sides [ONGOING !!!]

03. virgil

I sat on my bed, head in my hands. My thoughts were racing, and my heartbeat was running a marathon. Just a minute ago, I was just fine, but now, I could barely breathe. I gasped for air, taking quick shallow breaths, but my binder further restricted my breathing. My vision blurred, and I couldn't focus on anything. I knew what was happening. I was no stranger to panic attacks. I clawed at my binder, trying to get more oxygen. I had to calm myself down.

I distantly heard someone enter the room. Someone spoke, but I couldn't make out anything they said. A few moments later, I felt something on my shoulders.

I looked up and vaguely recognized Patton through my blurred vision.

"Virge. Virgil, look at me! Look at me. Hey, it's okay," Patton said. His face slowly came into focus and his voice echoed around me. His eyes flicked down to my chest, sending another wave of anxiety over me. "Virgil, here."

He rubbed my back gently, attempting to help calm me down.

"Okay. Virgil. Look around. Tell me five things you can see."

I glanced around helplessly. "I-I see y-you, I see the lights, I s-see the rug, my phone, I see y-your bed," I forced out.

"Good. Okay, now give me four things you can feel."

"Sheets. I feel my bedsheets. My hair. I can feel your hands on my shoulders. I feel m-my hoodie."

"Three things you can hear."

"I hear you, I hear- I hear birds, I hear people in the hallway."

"Two things you can smell."

"I smell laundry- fresh laundry, and I smell cologne."

"We're almost done. Just say one thing you can taste."

"I had some coffee earlier. I can still kind of taste it."

Patton took a deep breath and removed his hands from my shoulders. "Good. How are you doing?" He asked.

"B-better," I forced out. My heart was still pounding and my breathing was uneven, but I could see and hear.

"Here, go take off your binder. Do you need help?" Patton asked. I nodded as a wave of dizziness and nausea washed over me.

Patton grabbed me by the hand, helping me up and walking me to the bathroom. I stumbled over to the sink and tore off my hoodie and shirt, and then finally I took off my binder. I put my shirt back on and took a few deep breaths before lurching over. I rushed to the toilet moments before emptying my stomach.

I threw up a few more times before finally getting myself under control. I pulled back on my hoodie, not putting my binder back on yet. I didn't know if I might have another attack. Carefully, I shuffled out of the bathroom and sat back down on my bed.

"Are you okay now?" Patton asked from the other side of the room. I nodded, but tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. "Virge..."

Patton carefully made his way over to sit next to me as the first few tears rolled down my cheeks. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face in his shoulder.

"Hey... Hey, it's okay. You'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I'm here for you, Virge." He rubbed my back gently, and I hugged him tighter.

Eventually, I pulled back away from him. He smiled at me sadly.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking down. I couldn't look him in the eye. He knew I had lied to him, and now he couldn't trust me.

You didn't lie to him, a voice in the back of my head said. You didn't tell him anything. It's not like you told him you were cis.

I also didn't tell him I'm not, though, I thought.

"Don't be sorry, Virgil. You have nothing to apologize for. Do you want cookies? I bought the ingredients while I was at the store. I could make those up for you if you'd like," Patton said.

"Thank you, Pat," I said.

And so, I wiped away my tears, and Patton started on making the cookies. I realized how lucky I had been to get Patton as a roommate as I got up to go keep him company as he measured out chocolate chips and flour.

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Hey uh so i was actually intending on writing something for party games today but then my friend messaged me and i essentially had to talk her out of suicide so i ended up doing this instead to cope. Haha yeah that was rather alarming but like yeah. Uh i hope this was okay and uh yeah goodbye I'm gonna go sleep now