Loving Him

When You're Gone

Chapter Five -

-Megan's Point of View-

"Are you sure you're alright?" Sophia asks for the fifth time since I've cried my heart out.

When I left the room, I took my car over to Sophia's place and gladly, she was home. She immediately saw the distress on my face and hugged me as tight as she could. Being friends with someone as long as we have, is the most comforting feeling in the world. I know she'll always be there when I need her.

"Yes, thank you, for just being there. I know you've been busy and I'm adding on to your stress," I praise her as she pauses the screen. We're watching Just Go With It, to cheer me up.

"You know it's my job," she grins at me popping a gummy bear in her mouth.

My eyes are too sore to keep open so I close them and sleep envelopes me.

----

"Thanks for letting me stay the night," I hug Sophia and she rubs my back. I know she's worried about me, whenever I'm too numb to feel anything she feels the emotions for me.

"Just, call me when you're home. I mean it," she sternly says and I nod and make my way to my car. Well what's considered my car, Jay just has a garage full of cars and I take whatever one suits me.

As I drive through the busy streets, I take a deep breath. My stay with Sophia helped calm my nerves a bit but I still don't want to face my husband. I know he's angry at my outburst. He can't blame me though, I mean we're married. He expects me to treat him like a King but he treats me as it I'm a servant. You tell me what's right about that because I sure can't see it.

When I see the big walls of my supposedly home, my heartbeat picks up speed. I stand outside the front door and my hand lays on top of the door handle. I twist it and step inside. Instantly I regret it.

"Where the hell were you?" I hear Jay yell at me. He's right in front of me, I don't see why he has to raise his voice.

"At Sophia's," I reply with no emotion in my voice.

"You should tell me where you are, I already told you this," he takes deep breaths and I swear, if looks could kill.

"I don't need you to act like my father because even he couldn't care less about where I am at all times," I spit back as I push past him into the kitchen.

"Well reality check, Megan! I'm your husband!" The nerve of this man. Ignoring him, I open the fridge and take out a yogurt. I reach for the drawer for a spoon but it slams closed before I can get one.

"Don't fucking ignore me! Why didn't you tell me you weren't coming home? You had me up all fucking night and you don't even consider that do you?" He's fuming now but not as much as me.

"I had you up all night? Have you ever thought about that before? That when you leave and don't come back until two days later? You never come and I leave for one night you go all ape shit on me?!"

I leave my yogurt on the countertop and stomp my way out of the kitchen. I run up the stairs, taking two steps at a time and push my bedroom door open. Taking out a bag, I put a few clothes inside it and zip it up.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs and open the door to leave, a hand pulls my elbow back slightly so I can't leave.

"Where are you going now?" Annoyance is clear on his face but honestly, I don't care.

"To my mothers."

He breathes out of his nose and his jaw clenches.

"You're not leaving this house without me. I mean it, Megan."

Ignoring his orders yet again, I open the door and slam it closed, hopping inside my car. I don't really plan to go to my mothers. If my life is hell here, it'll be like living with Satan if I stay with that woman. I'm thinking about staying at a hotel for a few days until I can keep myself from murdering that man.

When I get out of the car, I take cautious steps toward his grave. When I'm finally in front of his tombstone, my heart clenches. I bend my knees slightly and reach out to tough the engraving. My thumbs lightly feels the words 'Ryan Jacobs 1989 - 2012'.

I take a deep breath and sit down in front of where freshly picked flowers should be. The guilt of not seeing him for so long increases inside me.

I take a deep breath and sit down in front of where freshly picked flowers should be. The guilt of not seeing him for so long increases inside me.

"Hi Sweetheart," I softly whisper, hoping he could hear me right now. A tear trickles down my cheek and I don't wipe it off.

"I'm sorry, for not visiting you. I didn't even being you flowers. But don't think that I've forgotten about you, I think about you everyday. Anyway, how are you?" I try to start a conversation even though I know he won't answer me.

"Well my life's been pretty... crazy. Married life isn't how I thought it would be like. I think it's because I'm not married to you. Nothing's the same when you're not around."

"I'm trying to stay strong here, Ryan. I tried to stay strong for the both of us, it just wasn't enough."

"I thought you were superman and you were invincible. I guess you couldn't handle the kryptonite."

"I was ready, I thought I was ready, I thought I could handle not seeing you everyday. I even thought during the last few seconds of your life that you'd wake up and give cancer a surprise attack and beat it's ass."

"I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. Why did you give up? I need you more than ever now and you're not here. If you were, everything would be so much easier for me. I need you."

"When you told me about your diagnosis, it killed a little piece of me. But I was thinking maybe you could survive. Maybe you could fight it."

"Then when it got worse, the knife stabbed into my heart twisted and made the pain more painful.

"And when the doctors told me you had a couple of days left to live, I swore I died."

"But then you got to three weeks, a month and ten to two. I started believing again."

"And then one day, when I came back into your hospital room and brought your favourite book to read to you, you opened your eyes and asked me the one question my answer is still the same to."

"Will you marry me?"

"I said yes and we both cried, I cried because I knew the chances were slim but I believed."

"Then you kissed my ring finger and said 'I do'. And then you closed your eyes and I heard the beeping sound of the machines."

"You left me."

"And at that very moment, all the parts of me that still believed in forever crumbled into tiny pieces and killed every bit of my already broken self."

"Now I realised that I forgot to say something, Ryan."

I wipe my tears that are falling endlessly down my face lay down on the stone ground.

"I do."