A Million Tears (Wish 2)

11 - Bad things

Noah was working days and expected a busy Monday because as Brenna had reminded him it was a holiday. He hadn't seen her in over a week, not since they went for Indian food. She had gone away for the weekend. He had the weekend off, but he switched so a co-worker could have the holiday off. On his lunch break, it surprised him to see a text from her.

Been too long. Are you free this week? Weekend was great. Heading back early. Raining.

He replied: off tomorrow

Late afternoon, an ambulance arrived with multiple victims from a motor vehicle accident. He was on the trauma team responding to the most critical, an eight-year-old girl. He couldn't recall everything they had done, but he remembered when his boss, Mark pulled him away and told him it was over.

"I'm calling it. Six-forty-eight."

Noah couldn't comprehend Mark's words. He looked at the little girl. She was a daughter and perhaps a sister. She had probably laughed a few hours before.

"I'm gonna beat you. Last one there is a rotten egg." Laughter rang in the air.

"Declan, slow down. Get back on the sidewalk. Declan!" Screams filled the air.

Noah slouch against the wall.  He watched another set of anguished parents as the scene played out in front of him. Two inconsolable parents were clinging to each other. He felt like a robot. He wanted to leave, but he had to finish his notes.

Mark reached out and placed his warm hand on his shoulder. "Noah go. You did all you could and more. I've got it."

He didn't need to be told twice. The minute the fresh air hit his face, he felt the tears which had been longing to flow. He started his walk home and without thinking, he turned the corner and stopped in front of her building.

When she opened the door, his face must have given him away. "What's wrong are you hurt?"

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't save her. It was my job. I do it to save kids." He sobbed, so the words were muffled.

"Oh, God." She put her arms out, and he walked into them. She was steady while he felt like he might collapse. Bending over to bury his head into her neck. He sobbed, as she rubbed his back and whispered soothing words. "You did your best. You did all you could. It'll be okay."

"I couldn't save Declan." He murmured to himself.

"I know, but it wasn't your fault. You are only human."

He pulled away and looked at her. He couldn't keep it in. "My brother died."

"I know, but it wasn't your fault."

"You know?" He looked at her in disbelief.

She nodded. "If I want to help you, I needed to know why. I'm sorry, but I looked online. I know about Declan and your father. Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you. I can't hate you."

She looked at him with tears in her eyes. She was beautiful and alive and without thinking he kissed her. The minute she kissed him in return he was gone. He felt like the twenty-one-year-old kid on the beach. She kissed him back until his body was full of want. He wanted to feel alive, and he wanted her. When he felt her hand on his back, he groaned.

"I just need to feel." He tried to explain.

"I know. I want to help you."

They fell together on her sofa. He kissed her for a long time. He needed to feel — feel her. He couldn't think of anything, except her and the throbbing in his pants. When she touched him, he thought he might just explode. He looked at her, her shirt was off and one breast had escaped the cup of her bra. She was exquisite.

Reality hit him, he had been in this same position before. "We can't... again."

Brenna ignored him and kissed him. How could he gain control when she touched him again? Passion controlled him, and he couldn't stop.

Later, he held her in his arms. "This doesn't change anything. I still don't want a relationship."

"You made love to me like it was more than just sex."

"I made love to you the way you deserved twelve years ago."

"No one has ever been that caring before." She nestled against him.

"I know, I was an idiot."

"No! I mean not even the others I've dated."

Why did the thought give him a sour stomach?

"Dated five times." He reminded her of her rule.

Her laughter was like music. "So what's wrong with my rule?"

"Nothing, you deserve respect."

"So what now friends with benefits? Because if you tell me I have to wait another twelve years."

He kissed her to shut her up. He was in way over his head.

She laid her head on his chest and he stroked her hair. After a long silence, she lifted her head and looked up at him. "You have a good heart. Don't hate me, but I have to say this." He closed his eyes waiting for the lecture. "Just because you lost your father and brother doesn't mean you'll lose everyone else you love. Your mother is healthy and alive. She is living life more than you. I bet she and Bill have tangled in the sheet already."

His eyes flew open. How could she even bring that up? He flipped her and pinned her underneath him. "Never mention my mother and sex again?"

"Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood. Damn, I keep failing with you."

He let out a long, loud sigh. He was the one who was failing. He vowed to keep her at arm's length, yet her naked body was underneath him. He wanted to burrow inside of her and forget everything except how good she felt. He kissed her again. She tasted like nectar. He had deprived himself of physical affection, except his mother's hugs for so long. He suddenly needed it like a drug abuser just out of rehab.

Panting and heart pounding, he rolled off her and gathered her in his arms. He burrowed his face in her neck and inhaled her intoxicating scent.

She kissed his hair. "Keep lying to yourself. I'm not going anywhere. I suspect you feel more than you want to. I just want to help you."

He lifted his head. "I'm not your charity project."

"No, you are a man who I care about, um, more than I probably should since this was only our fifth date."

He shook his head. "We're not dating and even if we were tonight was not a date."

"I know you showed up without ice cream. You're fooling yourself if you think we haven't been dating. Just like you're fooling yourself into thinking you have to suffer for the rest of your life, because you lost loved ones."

"You just don't get it. First, I lost my brother and then barely a year later my father. So if you tell me bad things don't happen, you're wrong. Today, I watched those parents learn their daughter was gone forever. I remember that moment. I will never forget what it felt like to have my entire world crash down around me. So forgive me, if I never want to feel it again."

He burrowed back into her neck. He needed her, but he couldn't risk it.

"Oh baby, your logic is flawed. We don't choose who we care about. If I got hit by a bus next month, would it hurt any less because I was only your friend? It would probably hurt more, because you wasted time when we could have been together. I hear you tell your mother you love her and I get it. You never want to wish you had said it. Can you honestly say you won't wish you had done and said more to me?"

She wouldn't stop. He felt the agitation. He was restless and his heart thumped giving him a headache. He stood up and started dressing. He was vulnerable and naked and he needed to go. Why was she going for the jugular? Did she want to hurt him?

"Why are you saying these things?"

"Because you need to hear them and because I think I..."

She stopped mid-sentence. What was she going to say? He was glad she stopped. He wasn't sure he could bear to hear those words. He didn't deserve them, because he couldn't protect her. He couldn't protect Declan, how could he protect her?

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