Absence

Two

The dynamics of this season were different from the ones that came before.

Mixing rules from several Big Brother franchises around the world, the producers designed a program that privileged trials and competitions to force participants to do more than just form alliances and vote against each other. Besides that, everything seemed grandiose. The house had a separate dwelling for the head of the household, with TV screens where he or she could monitor the other participants, the pool area had a big grass patch, lots of seats for the houseguests to tan their bodies.

It was only in the first resistance trial, where participants entered a car and the last one standing would win the car and become the first head of the household of that edition - gaining immunity from the upcoming eviction, and the ability to nominate two houseguests for the chopping block - that Maria noticed her path would not be easy.

Up until that day, the 5th in the house, most of the participants were kind to her. On the first day, there was a lot of interest in her condition. Girls wanted to touch her belly, know everything about the baby. How many weeks? Is it a boy or a girl? What if it's born here? Men didn't ask much but offered words of support. You're really brave for doing this. Let me carry this for you. Count on me for anything.

But as she left the trial - after staying cramped, knees bent up against her baby and her belly, inside a hot unventilated Ford SUV for 7 hours - her attention crossed over past the clapping sounds from all participants into an exchange of looks between Belinda and Ryan. Belinda was still in the running, inside the car. Ryan, an avid smoker, had quit the trial 2 hours before and was sitting in the waiting area, supporting his colleagues from afar, staying relevant to the dispute.

Once he felt Maria noticing Belinda's eye roll to his direction, Ryan swiftly jumped to the pregnant's assistance.

"Hey, Mami" - the nickname by which all cast members would call Maria - "Can I get you anything? Some ice for your neck? I can do a mean foot rub..."

"No, thanks- I- I gotta... I'm gonna go to bed and, just..."

"Yeah, yeah, sure. If you need anything..."

Maria went straight to the bathroom. After peeing, she washed her face in the sink and tried to slow down her thoughts and heartbeats. What was behind Belinda's and Ryan's exchange? Were they not supportive of her and her baby? What was she not seeing?

Ryan was a white 23-year-old man. He probably felt "wronged" for having a pregnant woman on the show. Not because it would make it harder for him to win the prize. But because it would make it harder for him to guiltlessly enjoy the pleasures of being in Big Brother. So what?! Am I now not allowed to smoke my cigs because it can be harmful to her baby? Neither Maria or the producers said anything about it, but he would look like an asshole if he didn't care about it and smoked near Maria and the baby. So he would always throw away his cigarette whenever she entered the room. But fuck it. Ryan was an idiot, the thought of him being an adversary was something Maria could get past. Not Belinda.

Belinda was already a mom, a single mom of a 5-year-old. In several ways, they were very much alike. Why would she not support her? Was it jealousy? Feminine rivalry? Belinda had already been through a pregnancy, labor, and worst, breastfeeding. Her body was older, her breast worn, stretch marks near the belly telling a story that once happened. Maria was the story happening before everyone's eyes. Her body exuded life from within. Her breasts were full, the skin in her belly shined, perfectly stretched, no amount of spare tissue. Maybe Belinda had that feeling of "I've already been through so much shit, having raised my kid alone. Maria is a promise; I've actually done it. My story is the one worth praising"?

Back then, Maria still had the mental health and emotional detachment to step back, take a deep breath and tone it down; blame it all on her being tired. But another 2 days later, Belinda - that went on to win the trial and become that season's first head of the household - appointed two people to the chopping block. No Maria.

That felt weird for her. She knew what she saw. And she felt it proved her point the way both Belinda and Ryan acted afterward. Belinda seemed so distant as soon as she put on the head of the household's robe. She invited Ryan to the head of the household's room for movie night. Probably to plan votes and continue talking about how Maria acted out after catching them. Hormones... So dramatic. Ryan also wouldn't give the time of day to Maria; too busy up and down talking and trying to appeal to the other folks. Making sure he could find a gang to protect him. She started to stare at him, trying to get a reaction out of him, but, weak as he was, she thought, his eyes would never cross hers.

As soon as it was announced the two participants that were to battle for the vote against eviction, Maria felt trapped. She was free from the houseguests' scrutiny but enslaved by her thoughts and instincts of self-preservation. She talked to no one afterward. Sat outside with a coffee mug, confused with the lack of votes toward her. Why did Belinda spare me? Maybe they got cold feet? Maybe they're smart to slowly build and time their attack for the right moment.