Absence

Seven

The nourishing was mutual. The baby would get the nutrients needed to stay alive, Maria the time and connection needed to stay sane. As her milk became his energy, his eagerness to have her became her medicine.

Maria had heard that sleep deprivation was a huge deal on those first days, but she never imagined it could be like that. After breastfeeding, she would feel so drained, she would inevitably fall asleep together with the baby. And then wake up in her room, where she'd been transported by the producers. And she did not like that. She hated the feeling of complete confusion being the first thing she felt when she woke up. She despised, even more, the blanks in her memory.

Now, she just realized she was in the eviction ceremony.

It was a triple. Belinda, Ryan, and Lorne were in the chopping block. And there was more, she soon realized: for the first time that season, the evictee would not be voted by the houseguests; it was the audience who would vote and choose who was the next to leave the house. Maria remembered nothing of the process. Didn't remember how they got there. Didn't remember which of the 3 she nominated. Nor the reasons given by Big Brother to make it a popular vote.

The fact that Maria contracted into her thoughts during a moment like this didn't bother anyone anymore. By now, all participants were used to Maria living in her own world and learned how to work around it. It was her sparse sparks of lucidity that surprised them.

By a close margin, Belinda was chosen to leave the house. After her name was announced - different from other evictions - all participants stood quiet. No celebration on the part of who got to stay. No loud lament from the evicted. For a good 10 seconds, all it could be heard was the deafening sound of the electrical static coming from the light bulbs, and the sound of muscles clashing, as participants took turns to hug Belinda goodbye.

Maria moved away from the comotion and stood by the door. Not to escape, but to buy her some time. So she could understand what she was feeling.

Was it guilt? For what? For nominating her for eviction - which she didn't even know for sure to be true - or for not paying attention and making an effort to connect with her? It made no sense that Belinda's leaving made such an impact on her. In a way, she should feel relieved. And yet, she felt longing. Anxiety. Fear. She learned that moment, she did not want Belinda to go. Why?

Time ran out for Maria to organize her feelings and find the right words; Belinda had just finished hugging the last participant. Seeing Maria was the last one to go, she sighed and smiled weakly. Halfway to Maria, she changed direction and grabbed a bottle of water.

"D-Did I...?", asked Maria crying.

"Shhh, listen to me now... You stay thirsty, ok?", Belinda said before leaving the bottle of water to Maria as a parting gift.