Journey Back to Me

Chapter 5

Something to note about my grandmother is that while she may have good intentions sometimes, she can be a very hurtful person. My mom knew this better than anyone.

My mom's eyes softened as she could tell I was getting nervous, and she asked again, but quieter, "What did she say to you?"

I took a very deep breath and sat down on the brown couch in our living room so I could face my mother. She has delicate features like me, and a very young face. Really the only way we differ was that I got my dad's green almond shaped eyes and I stood about two inches taller than her, but other than that we were practically twins. She tilted her head to listen while everything spilled out of my mouth in a jumble.

"Would you have lost your will to live if I had actually succeeded in trying to commit suicide? I mean, I didn't think you did, but when Grandma told me that, I thought she might be right and I was really scared, and I didn't mean to carry this around for so long, but I wasn't sure if you'd want to talk about it so I just didn't say anything..." I start to trail off towards the end so that I don't say anything stupid.

My mom just stared at me thoughtfully for a few long seconds before asking me, "How long?"

"What?"

"You said you've been carrying this around for 'so long', so how long? When did she say this to you?"

My breathing quickens. Oh no, I'm going to cry. "Um...I don't know...maybe day 2 or 3 of ICU? So around eight months...are you mad?"

"At you, absolutely not. You were going through something horrible inside your head, and the fact that she of all people would use that against you is deplorable. She went through the exact same thing ten years ago. I don't ever want you to think that you almost killed me, because you didn't. Of course, I would've hurt for a while, because no parent should have to bury their baby, but what you went through is no excuse for her to say what she did. And I never felt that way." She didn't mean to, but she slowly got louder as she spoke, and by the time she was done, my dad had woken up.

"What's going on?" he spoke, his voice still a little husky from his nap.

"Just my mother," my mom huffed. "It'll be fine."

"Hmph." My dad grumbled and opened his eyes to look at me. "Don't listen to anything she says."

"I agree. I haven't listened to anything she's said since I was twelve." My mom's admission helps me cheer up a little, especially since she smiles as she says it. "Now come give me a hug, then go put my birthday gifts upstairs." She winked because she knew why I was out today. My dad is terrible at secrets.

When I get upstairs, I poke my head into Jamie's room and see him splayed across his bed with his eyes glued to the TV.

"Persona 5?" I ask him.

"Yep. Have fun today?" His eyes never leave the screen. Incredible.

"Sure did. I'm going to bed. Love you, nerd." I smile at him even though he isn't looking.

"Love you, dork." My big little brother smiles back at me.

Even though I'm five years older, he towers over me by six inches. He's a gentle giant, though, and he has a soft heart. I pray he doesn't get his heart broken like I did.

After the long, emotional day I've had, I slip into some PJs, shove my mom's gifts in the closet and call it a night by watching YouTube videos until I fall asleep.