Broken Connection

19

We went through a door and into a small bathroom, where Mark helped me sit on the counter and then fished around in the cabinet. He eventually stood up straight with a first aid kit in his hands and a proud look on his face. He hummed lightly as he got out antiseptic to clean the scab on my knee that was once again busted open and bleeding.

His humming calmed me. It wasn't just random noises, it was a melody. Something soft and sweet.

"I'm sorry," I croaked. My throat was sore from strangulation and yelling.

Mark looked up to me with his warm brown eyes, a pained smile on his face.

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry for causing so much trouble. And I'm sorry for waking you all up. I don't know what time it is, but I know it's late," I explained.

"It's actually early," Mark said as he wet a rag in the sink. "It's six in the morning."

He started wiping dried blood from my face, and it was then that I realized that it was even on me. None of these people knew what I looked like when I wasn't involved in something crazy. They must have thought my constant state of being was stressed and disorganized. Both of us were silent for a while.

"I'm sorry, too," Mark said quietly. "We keep dragging you into things that you don't want to be involved in."

There was a soft knock on the door and I turned to see Jess standing there, pile of clothes and towel in hand. She had a sheepish smile, and I wondered how good she could be. How was this woman so selfless? She knew who I was, but she didn't seem to care. If it were reversed I couldn't do what she was doing.

I started to cry.

I couldn't tell if I was making noise or not, but I could feel the hot tears escaping my eyes and sliding down my face, my neck, my chest. She softly sat the clothes beside me and pulled me into her arms. Then I knew I was sobbing. I was scared and broken and nothing in this place was familiar. Nothing in any place was familiar except the one place I never wanted to be again.

I had no home, and I knew it. My life had been an endless stream of places pretending to be something they never could. I had found one place that I wanted more than anything. One that I fought to keep for myself day in and day out, and it had just been taken from me. The sense of safety, of freedom through normalcy, of home that I had been building for a year was gone. All of it was gone, and I was left worse than when I started because this time I had a soulmate that didn't want me instead of one that didn't know me.

It took me a while to calm down, but Jess stayed there with me. Mark had slipped out of the room. He had probably felt awkward to be there.

"You should take a shower and change. It'll make you feel a bit better than you do now," Jess said softly.

I nodded and wiped my snotty nose on the back of my hand. It was all I had.

She started the water and then left, closing the door behind her.

I let out a long, shaky breath. Every one of my joints felt like they were made of stone. There wasn't a thing that I could move that didn't ache, but at least I was alive. I slipped off of the counter and stripped my blood stained pajamas off. Why did things have to be so difficult?

I pulled back the shower curtain to see vanilla scented body wash and shampoo. This must be the bathroom that Jess used. The water was hot on my skin, but I didn't bother to turn the handle. I would get used to it. I always got used to it.

The water ran pink as I scrubbed every inch of skin on my body. I had to get the horrible feeling of the mans hands off of my neck, the weight of his body off of my chest.

The towel was fluffy, and it smelled like coconut and honey and sunshine. I wondered where they had found one so great, but I knew I'd never ask. The clothes she had left for me were simple, a plain black t-shirt and a pair of grey sweats. They were comfortable but large. I would be able to sleep in these.

When I came out of the bathroom I ran into Taeyong, who seemed like he'd been pacing the floor for quite a while. I was immediately enveloped into a soft hug, the smell of fabric softener tickling my nose. He softly kissed the top of my head, an act meant to comfort me.

I knew the man hugging me wasn't good news. I didn't need anyone to tell me that, but I was glad that he was there.

"You can sleep in my room for now," he said. "I have to go to work, but this afternoon we'll have your room set up and your things brought over."

I didn't speak, but hugged him tighter before pulling away and letting him lead me up the stairs and all the way to the end of the hall. His room was tidy, but it was definitely lived in. The comforter was a soft blue color, and the walls were the tan of a fresh latte. There was a small wooden desk and chair in a corner of the room, but other than that you would never guess that the man that occupied it was the head of a gang. Everything about it screamed ordinary.

I curled myself under the covers and drifted to oblivion.