Torchwood; Janto

Chapter 9

Trigger warning; panic/anxiety attack

Jack's POV

After a night of celebration, we lay together. Ianto asleep, curled around me as usual and I'm enjoying the simplicity of it. Laying in bed with my fiancé. It seems slightly strange to think that. I didn't think I would ever have the courage to do it. It still hasn't quite sunk in that in under 6 months I'll be a married man. We haven't discussed a date yet but I think he'll want a summer wedding.

Ianto murmurs and shifts in his sleep. Nightmares again. They're becoming even more frequent.

"It's okay Yan, I'm here" I kiss his forehead in an attempt to soothe him. He cries out, grabbing me like he's afraid to let go. There is so much I want to share with Ianto about the many lives I've lead. I couldn't bear hurting him anymore. "All in good time Jack" I tell myself, smiling down at the younger man. Ianto relaxes after a while and I drift off next to him, getting lost in nightmares of my past.

Ianto's POV

I wake with a start intwined with Jack. Raising myself slightly I look at the clock. I flop back down, it's only 3:30. I'm frustrated that even though we're engaged I still  have dreams about him leaving. I hate that I doubt him. There's so many secrets between us that need to be shared. It's come so close to Jack finding out but luckily I've created a mask for my emotions over the years.

I shuffle in closer to Jack and try to get some more sleep. I try to ignore the familiar ball of tightness growing in the centre of my chest. I absently rub my chest hoping to dispel the nervous energy running through me. As expected, it doesn't work. I slowly sit up, removing various limbs tangled with Jack's and run a shaking hand through my hair. 

"Control. Fight for control." I hiss at myself in the dark, struggling to regain composure before I wake Jack. I can't breathe in here. I need to get outside, find some fresh air, control my breathing. I know I have to move, have to find a way out but I'm frozen in place.

Jack's POV

I wake to a wheezing sound and look over to find Ianto hunched in a ball on the end of the bed. He's breathing far to fast and rocking backwards and forwards like a child. I move to comfort him but he flinches at my touch although he doesn't respond to words. 

"Yan?" I say, he's beginning to scare me, I can't figure out what's wrong, "Ianto what's up?" I move to stand in front of him. He won't look at me, his eyes are darting round the room, searching without seeing. He's completely shut off to the world. 

He needs to control his breathing but I can't get him to do that if he's not aware of his surroundings. I don't understand how I can help him. I stare at him hopelessly, watching, unable to do anything as Ianto keels forward, passing out in my arms.

I lay him on the bed and go to get a glass of water for him when he wakes. I come back to find him sitting looking slightly confused and extremely embarrassed.

"I'm sorry" he says barely loud enough to be heard.

"What makes you think you have anything to be sorry for?"

"I had... that was..." Ianto falters. He hangs his head looking ashamed about whatever just happened.

"I've had these since I was a child," he explains, "I always called them shutdowns. They happen so fast and my brain goes into complete meltdown. I can't do anything; can't breath, move, speak, nothing." He stops and wipes a tear from his cheek. 

"All the while, there's this tight ball in my chest. It builds and takes over my body. It wasn't until about 7 years ago that I found out what caused it. Turns out most of my life I've had anxiety. I've hidden it from you, from Torchwood. I even deleted it from my record." 

I put an arm around him. Pulling him closer. I open my mouth to ask him something but he answers my unspoken question.

"It makes me weak," he chokes out, "I can't deal with not being in control. I'm sorry"

"Stop apologising." I say, giving him a gentle shake, "You are not weak. You are my beautiful, strong-willed, brave Ianto and I wouldn't change you for the the world." 

Ianto smiles gratefully. "Thank you." He says, his voice heavy with emotion."

"Remember, Yan, we're in this together."

_________________________________________________________

A/N; sorry for so many switches of  POV but I wanted to show both sides of this.

This is based off of my experience with anxiety and I get it might not be the same for everyone but yeah hope you liked it.

I can't believe this hit 60 reads recently! I expected it to get lost in the depths of Wattpad. Anyway if you want me to add anything in just comment and I'll try my best. 

Thanks so much for reading and I'll try and update soon :)