The Good in Sin

Is This Hell?

On her lunch break she decided to feed the cats. It was always soothing to have them around, especially since they were the nicest to her when she first moved to the small miserable town of Fridaville. She remembered it as if it were yesterday, dragging three-year-old Phoenix alongside her. This was after he was in his 'is that my daddy' phase, the one that killed her the most.

Because she lived with Keith at the time in an apartment in the city, she was close to going crazy at the small space with a baby, and preschools couldn't hire her because she didn't have her diploma, which led to a year of her convincing Keith to allow her to get her GED.

Being as young as Autumn was at the time, she wasn't aware yet that this was a technique Keith used to control her. If she had a job, she'd have money, and if she had money, she could leave. The only way Keith kept her around was when she promised to pay him back in full for the online classes and help him with the rent, even though he could very well manage on his own. 

When she turned eighteen it was a new kind of freedom, getting her first job at a school called The Academy of Excellent Minds. Phoenix wasn't quite two yet, and was just beginning to talk. Autumn got a position as an infant teacher while Phoenix was a few rooms down. It was the most difficult time of her life yet. 

Being with Keith and not understanding her relationship with him, but allowing him to sleep beside her and use her all the while. Having Phoenix scream every time she dropped him off in his class, and hearing his scream from the class room she was in and trying to not cry while rocking small infants that looked like her son. Nothing could compare to that feeling she got when feeling her small waddling child hold onto her for dear life, screaming "mommy" as she left.

His teachers were always sweet, and she trusted them, but at the end of the day she was still leaving him. The teachers would tell her for months, "It'll get better, it'll get easier, he'll get used to it." But she never thought he would. Not until he was two, when he moved up a class with all his little toddler friends. He began to love school, but because the school was for the wealthy, most families seemed intact, happily married couples with their small children, grandparents picking up and dropping off, it was all confusing for Phoenix.

And one day when Autumn got off work to take him home, Keith waiting in his slick black car for her to buckle her son in, toddler Phoenix pointed to Keith sitting in the car and asked, "Is that my daddy?"

It was that moment she asked herself if she wanted this with Keith, and felt nothing but uncertainty for his treatment towards her. She was still a child, and Keith had been in and out of the apartment at the time. "No, that is not your daddy. Keith is mommy's friend."

"Mommy's friend? Where's my daddy?"

"I don't know, Nix." 

And so it began. 

At the grocery store, "Is that my daddy?"

At the library, "Is that my daddy?"

At the park, "Is that my daddy?"

Even parents at The Academy would look at her with pity when she'd drop him off the same time as them and he'd say, "Which one is my daddy?"

Autumn couldn't recall how long that phase lasted, but she remembered so many times telling Phoenix he couldn't call Keith daddy. When it got out of hand, Keith decided Autumn would be more comfortable in her own home with her own life. It was a dream come true the day he bought her their home, and it was the only day she kissed him.

Remembering that moment years ago, she felt disgusted with herself. It was a form of thanks, and she regretted it immediately, but she was so happy. No one looked out for them the way Keith did, whether she was his prisoner or not. Phoenix was still safe and warm and happy, and Autumn had to remind herself that it was with the help of Keith.