Her Garden

Chapter 14

4:19 pm

The school day went on fairly quickly, leaving me more tired than usual. Once I got home, I just laid down and stared at the ceiling.

I felt less alone yet even more lonely.

I had someone by my side who understood my pain. But the only one I wanted was so far out of my reach.

I grabbed my pillow and hugged it tightly, turning onto my side and closing my eyes.

"Jihy-...are you okay?"

I opened my eyes, seeing my father standing at my door.

My heart ached and I wished he knew how bad. I wanted him to understand but my stubbornness got in the way, yet at the same time, I didn't want him to worry just because I was sad.

I finally shoved my pride aside and sat up, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my face in the pillow.

I'd never cried in front of anyone. Not since I was like five. I didn't like the looks I got when I cried. I didn't like making people hold my hand to make me feel better and I didn't like feeling weak.

I went through life thinking I was better off keeping everything inside.

I thought showing emotions was a sign of weakness, so I never showed them. Sometimes I'd smile, sometimes I'd get mad.

But I never once told my family I loved them.

So maybe they hadn't ever known how much I did.

I clutched tightly onto the pillowcase, clenching my jaw to keep myself from crying.

"Hyun...", he sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I know you're not okay and I don't think I should wait for you to come to me anymore. Because that's not working"

As soon as he made the first move to reach out to me, I came out of my shell for a brief moment.

I shoved the pillow aside and wrapped my arms around him, leaning down and burying my head into his stomach. I didn't want him to see me start to break.

He gently ran his hand up and down my back.

Honestly, I was afraid I was hurting him from how tight I was holding onto him.

"Talk to me, kid."

"I don't think Aiya loves me anymore..."

I could feel his reaction to my voice being strained and broken. His hand froze in place on my back, a sigh escaping his lips.

"She does. I just don't think she realizes it yet."

"No she doesn't!", I choked out, my voice muffled by his hoodie. "She blames me for everything!"

"I think she makes it seem that way because she blames herself. Though, that doesn't make it okay."

"But she's right. It was all my fault.", I muttered, sitting up and letting go of him, looking upwards to keep myself from crying. "I should have done something..."

"You we're afraid. That's not your fault."

"I just ran. I didn't call anyone. I didn't try to help her. I didn't-"

"Jihyun Katsumi."

I glanced over at him, seeing the genuine look of worry on his face.

"What?"

"You didn't know what to do, anyone can understand that."

"I should have called for help."

"You didn't even know she was gone until that morning. You couldn't have known that would happen."

I watched as the room grew darker, filling with water as everything around me disappeared.

"No...", I wrapped my arms so tightly around my stomach that it hurt, tears finally slipping from my eyes. Once they started, they wouldn't stop.

My chest hurt, my lungs ached, and my vision was foggy.

I couldn't see bubbles rising from my mouth. I couldn't hear my father talking. I couldn't feel anything around me.

"Jihyun.", my mother seemed to appear out of nowhere, swimming over to me while her long hair flowed in the water. Her skin was a pale blue, eyes bloodshot and empty. She placed a hand on my cheek and smiled softly. "You're crying...."

I opened my mouth to respond but as soon as I did, the oxygen left my lungs. I couldn't breathe, which made me start to panic.

"Shh, it's okay.", she leaned her forehead against mine as I started clawing at my throat. It made no difference, I still couldn't breathe. "Relax, it'll hurt less."

"JIHYUN!"

I was pulled out of my mind, out of my own little ocean, by my dad.

I was curled up in the corner of my room, shaking and gasping for air.

Natsuko stood next to my dad, who was crouched down in front of me with his hand on my cheek. I started coughing.

"Just breathe, okay?"

I shoved him away from me and jumped up, running downstairs and grabbing a random coat from the closet next to the front door.

"Katsu-"

I left out the front door, not bothering to shut it.

My feet had a mind of their own, running faster than I had in a long time.

Three months to be exact.

The world around me started to disappear again, water taking its place.

Stop....

I didn't stop running. Even when I couldn't breathe anymore, my feet wouldn't stop moving.

STOP!

It didn't matter how much I screamed at myself, it wouldn't go away.