Her Garden

Chapter 16

3:45 AM

Later in the night, I decided to go for a walk, somehow ending up under the bridge that went over a certain river.

The one my mother drowned in.

"I didn't expect you to be here."

I turned around, seeing my older sister leaning against one of the trees.

"What do you want? You should be asleep."

"Yea. So should you.", she jogged over to me and looked down into the water.

We both stood at the very edge, leaving footprints in the sand as it slowly began to rain.

I felt her grab my hand.

"You aren't here to comfort me."

"I saw you walking down here from my window okay? I got worried you'd do something stupid."

"Worried? Since when do you worry about me?"

"Jihyun...", she sighed and crouched down, picking up a small rock out from under the flowing water. "That day...before you and Mom came down here, do you remember what happened?"

"Yes."

"She asked if I wanted to go and what did I say?"

"You said 'That sounds lame, you two are morons.'"

"Yea....I called my mom a moron."

"She knows you didn't mean it."

"Those were the last words I ever said to her.", She stood up and tossed the rock further into the water. "And....the last words I said to you before I left."

"You left because you blamed me."

"I-.....Yea. That's it."

"So did you come down here just because you wanted one more chance to tell me that it's my fault?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"That's not what I asked.", I pulled my hand away from her and continued to stare down into the water. "What is it gonna take for you to give a shit about me again?"

"Hey, I never said I didn't."

"Five days ago....you told me that I should have died instead."

"Because you should have!", she snapped. "Why did it have to be mom?! Why didn't you do anything?!"

My empty expression didn't change but I could feel her anger.

"I think it should have been me too.", I took a step forward, submerging my ankles in the water, slipping my shoes from my feet. It was cold against my skin.

"But-"

"I think....if we had switched places, you'd be happier.", I finally turned to face her, allowing my own mother's smile onto my face.

She stared at me with a look I could only describe as regretful.

"Jihyun I didn't mean it like-"

"Hah...what good will it do you to change your mind about what you just said?", I forced out a laugh as I looked at her, trying to make myself seem happy through the pounding in my chest. "You know, that's all I want right? I want you to be happy, with me as your brother."

"I-"

"I want you to stop blaming me. But I'm scared that the only way to do that is to force you into caring."

She shook her head.

"God I-....I can't stand you!", she shoved me, making me stumble, but regain my balance before I could fall backwards into the water.

The river was deep. Really deep.

Shallow near the edges, but with a twenty foot drop on the middle. Maybe deeper than that.

"I'm aware of that."

"You....How can you stand there like that?!", her voice shattered as she yelled at me, tears flaking from her eyes easier than mine ever had. "How dare you smile at me like she did?! Aren't you mad?!"

"No. I just want you to stop hating me."

"That'll never happen! That won't ever change! I can't ever forget what you did!"

"No....you can't.", I closed my eyes gently before opening them and biting my tongue.

"You're not gonna yell at me?", she gave me a soft look, as if worried for a moment. "Hey wait....give me your hand.", she held her hand out to me.

I took a step back, further into the water.

"Hyun! Don't you dare! Give me your hand."

"You want me to take her place? Maybe this can bring her back, Yea?"

"I don't want you to-"

"Well what do you want because I'm done waiting for you to figure it out.", as I took another step back, I could no longer feel the ground beneath my left foot, which was further back. I took a deep breath and stared at her.

"Are you doing this to torture me?! Is that it?!"

I took my final step, forcing my entire body to be submerged in cold water.

But the feeling was nothing foreign. I felt like I'd snap out of it anytime soon.

I could hear her muffled yelling as I sank further down.

I wonder how long it'll take before she remembers that I can't swim. Or how long it'll take before to have another panic attack.

I closed my eyes tightly and gripped tightly onto the fabric of my shirt, clawing at my chest.

I wasn't suicidal. I was done.

I didn't want to die but it seemed that maybe this was the only way I could feel better.

Under all the water, the guilt was lifted from my shoulders for a moment, floating up to the surface and leaving me to hit the bottom.

I opened my eyes and looked down, seeing an empty darkness below me.

Is this what she saw? Did her chest hurt this much?

I started to struggle.

Unlike usual, I wasn't waking up. Nobody was snapping me out of my head and It was just me.

I felt someone grab my hand and pull me up to the surface, dragging me back to shallow water.

I started breathing as soon as I was laid down against the rocks, water barely hitting the back of my neck as my sister pushed the hair out of my eyes.

My body wasn't moving but I was very much okay, just freezing.

I stared up at the sky.

"Hyun! Look at me!"

I didn't. I couldn't.

I took in a deep breath of air, making no move to acknowledge her.

"Why'd you help me?"

"Are you insane?!"

I stood up and shrugged the jacket off of my shoulders, handing it to her even though it was wet. She was shivering, on her knees in the shallow water as she cried, staring at me in disbelief.

"Come on, get out of the water."

She didn't move, just continued to stare at me.

"Wh-....why would you do that?..."

"I think to understand me, you had to see things from a new perspective."

"I can't believe you!", she jumped to her feet, my jacket falling into the water as she wrapped her arms around me. It happened so quickly that I almost fell. "What if I hadn't done anything?!"

"I'd be dead I guess.", I shrugged.

She squeezed me tighter.

"I love you so much...don't ever do that again!"

I smiled softly.

"I'm glad you realize it now."