Hot Mess in a Dress

Hurting Feelings

good vs. evil

I have realized hurting other people's feelings is a normal part of life. I grew up with many people telling me how nice I was. I was nice...maybe a little too nice. People often used my shy nature against me, making me the butt of the joke and bullying me whenever they wanted to. I almost feel like people used this to look down on me and make themselves look cooler or better...

Sometimes I get tired of being labeled as this nice, sweet girl. There's nothing wrong with being nice but I'm tired of people taking advantage of me. I recently made an account on a dating app and the whole things has me feeling so guilty. I wish I could respond to everyone that messages me on there, but it's so overwhelming. Not to mention, I feel really guilty about swiping left on people, so I tend to swipe right on people I don't find attractive...

I know this is abnormal behavior and it makes me realize that sometimes I can't worry about hurting other people's feelings. I realize I have a lot of issues setting boundaries and when I do set them I label myself as "evil."

For example, I joined Tinder recently when someone completely catfished me. I felt bad letting him know I wasn't attracted to what he really looked like...I kept telling myself how shallow and bitchy I am to stop talking to a guy based off of his appearance. In reality, he was the one who purposely manipulated me and lied to me. Why should I feel bad that he has to deal with the repercussions?

Another example I'll tell you is honestly so ridiculous but whatever...there's a long backstory to this one. So basically when I was in middle school, there was this guy who had the locker above mine. I remember we always used to argue and he used to pick on me a lot. I remember a specific instance of when he dumped all his textbooks on my head (on purpose). I remember his friend was telling him to stop, and he only did once a teacher yelled at him. Ever since then, I had negative feelings towards him. Granted, this happened when we were 13. High school came around and he never said one word to me again. We were in english class together and I just felt like he was so weirdly quiet around me. It was strange, but I was glad he didn't want to bother me anymore.

So flashforward to one year after we both graduated from college. I matched with him on Tinder and he messages me something that clearly stated he knew who I was. I was surprised he messaged me because (believe me when i tell you) he never said ONE word to me in high school. I messaged him back something along the lines of "the tables have turned." He responded back in 2 seconds VERY confused and asking me what I meant by this...

I realize how pathetic it is to hold what he did to me in middle school over his head. And, I suppose, if I matched with him on Tinder I gave him confusing signals...but COME ON. Does he expect me to flirt with him when the only thing I know about him is that he was a middle school bully? Many people have told me I am naive so of course I had it in the back of my head that he may be using this app to bully me or make fun of me with his friends...but then I realize, he never made fun of me in high school. Why, all the sudden, would I be a target literally almost 10 years later? It makes no sense and I did feel bad for sending him a completely passive-aggressive comment.

So I basically apologized for saying that and he responded back (in 2 seconds) how confusing this whole conversation was. How can he not remember being so mean to me? I refuse to believe he's forgotten and I believe that's why he was so mute to me in high school. Maybe he was embarrassed of his own actions? We talked for a short time after and it almost seemed like he was flirting with me?? It freaked me out so much I just stopped responding. I'd have to be dumb as bricks to think a guy who bullied me now likes me. Are we in the first grade???

The whole thing made me feel evil though. Why would I swipe right on someone, fully knowing I didn't like him? Why would I stop talking to the other guy because I didn't like his appearance? Am I really that bitchy of a girl? 

I've struggled with feeling evil my entire life, and I believe that's why a lot of guys take advantage of me. Putting boundaries in place makes me feel like a bad person, which is why I've never done it. I feel this way largely because of the way I was raised. I think I've said this before, but I am the middle child of both of my siblings. I am way less traditional than my older sister (we are 3 1/2 years apart so we were frequently compared growing up), meanwhile my little brother is literally in a different generation than us. My parents have this view of me that will never change: they think I'm selfish, immature, and rude. My mom, especially, has always told me how evil I am and that I'm going directly to hell. I remember I was mad my sister took something from my room when I was in early college, and she told me I was going to hell for getting mad. Today, she told me that I will never be a good nurse because I don't have a good heart. 

It's hurtful to hear these things from my own mother, and I believe constantly being told that I was so evil growing up, led me to let people take advantage of me. It prevented me from sticking up for myself, because I was scared to be labeled as "evil" or "mean." I realize my parents have fucked me up more than I thought, and once this quarantine is over I need to move out ASAP. I cannot be surrounded by people who think so lowly of me. I need to create an atmosphere with people who truly love and support me. It's not to say my parents don't love me. Of course they do. But I also don't need to be surrounded by them when they judge me and insult my every action. 

I am old enough that I don't need to put up with that.

...

I don't believe I have a bad heart. I need to put my boundaries in place: with men and my family. I'm tired of people using me because "i look nice and innocent." Which one is it? Am I nice or evil?

Which one???

💜

Annie